02/01/2013 03:55 pm ET Updated Apr 03, 2013

A Parental Perspective on Super Bowl Lingo

You'd be surprised how many common football terms can apply to the equally-combative and tactical world of full-contact parenting. So, in honor of Sunday's Super Bowl, I offer these offensive and defensive double-meanings. Which is your favorite?

First Down!
A parent's exclamation after the younger of two siblings goes to sleep.

Running Back
What you do five minutes after you've left the house without ample pacifiers.

How to settle the issue of two kids on fighting over one cookie.

Good Field Position
A shady picnic spot in the park far from dog poop.

Red Zone
What keeps the makers of Vaseline in business.

Offensive Line
"Shut up!"

Defensive Line
"But she hit me first!"

30-Second Time-Out
When you're just too busy to give a full one.

Instant Replay
What happens when the first restaurant-menu tic-tac-toe game ends in a tie.

Extra Point
The benefit of mechanical pencils over typical #2s.

Tight End
The part of a child's sock hardest to put on.

One-Hand Reception
When you hold a kid with one hand and take a phone call with the other.

The family dog, especially when lounging on your child's bed.

The point at which one child's allotted water-fountain period ends and another's begins.

Strong Safety
"Hold my hand! We're in a parking lot!"

Joel Schwartzberg is a nationally published personal essayist and author of the collection The 40-Year-Old Version.