Two months ago, I became a published author for the second time. You'd think I'd feel successful, wouldn't you? I have two books with prestigious houses, both of which received excellent national reviews; I've been anthologized and gotten awards, been flown by Random House on book tours and chauffeured around by media escorts, been interviewed on NPR's Fresh Air.
And yet, like every other writer in the world, I can name a thousand others who've achieved more. Much, much more -- whether it's money, fame, acclaim, awards, or a combination thereof, there's always someone who leaves you in the dust.
Success, I learned in 2002 with my first book, The Territory of Men, is a moving target that can cripple you with frustration. One day, for example, 75 people would come to a reading; the next week, in another town, eight might dribble in. I'd open my email one morning to find a great review in The Washington Post or USA Today, and an invitation to teach at a prominent conference. Then my inbox sat empty for a month.
The longer your book is out, the more sporadic the attention; if you don't publish another, it can fade away altogether, like a photograph of a fabulous event no one remembers.
Two years after my first book, I started a family, and for a long while, stopped writing. Meanwhile others continued to revel in success! For years, every Sunday morning I'd sit with my empty notebook while reading the steady cascade of achievement in The New York Times Book Review.
When my marriage fell apart, and I lost half custody of my son, I moved to an isolated cabin in the Sierras. For the next year I healed by walking in the wilderness and writing words on the page. Those pages became my next memoir, The Forest House. While I loved writing the book, I wasn't looking forward to the publication process, and all the stress over whether it would succeed.
What helped was my peer, Alison Singh Gee, whose lovely memoir, Where the Peacocks Sing, came out at the same time. Even though we were ostensibly competitors, we were also friends who had much in common: we both teach college writing and are mothers of one young child. We even blurbed each others' books.
As reviews came in we'd "like" the links on each others' FB pages; and we'd comment on the gleaming photos of our book covers. During our book tours we'd post promotional blogs about our respective events.
Yet over the months, we emailed and called each other privately. I knew her worry, understood her hopes and disappointment, and she knew mine. We'd both taken those long drives to bookstores on school nights -- all the while wondering if more than a handful of readers would show up -- and felt the same weight of the piles of ungraded papers and mounting chores waiting at home.
I shared the disillusionment that comes from watching your Amazon sales rank ebb and flow, then ebb again. I'd also tasted the same bittersweetness of the mixed review.
It was as if this time, with Alison, I had a constant reality check. She helped me see through the smoke and mirrors of the author's "glamorous" life.
Like travelers on an escalator we'd wave to each other as we moved up and down the fickle ladder of success. We both know there's a place you have to reach -- no matter what stage you're at as a writer - -where you feel that someone else's success is your success. If you can get there, it's a wonderful, liberating place to be--and from it your own work will soar.
And so when Alison's book was praised in Entertainment Weekly and People Magazine, I was thrilled for her; and when I was asked to do a guest blog for The Huffington Post, she cheered for me.
What I've learned over the past decade is that envy can poison your creativity -- it'll stain your writing like blood spilled across a page.
It implies not only deprivation -- something is missing in our world -- but someone else has what we don't. Looked at so simply it's not hard to imagine envy has its roots in childhood. My son is in the first grade, and I've seen the raw expression of envy in children's faces: I want what you have -- give it to me!
The ultimate antidote for envy, which comes from our basest selves, is gratitude, which comes from our highest. For it's only from a place of plenty that we have something to give. And that's what writing is, in the end -- a gift, one we have and one we give to others.
No, it's not an easy solution. Like any good habit, gratitude takes work. I have to remind myself to do it, and then it's often grudgingly at first. So I'm grateful to the writers who write such wonderful stories and poems and articles, who've enriched my world with a lifetime of pleasure and enlightenment.
And I'm grateful to my friends like Alison who remind me that I'm not alone, that my best is good enough, and that most of all, the words I write are worth it.
This blog first published at diannaswritingden.com