09/06/2005 08:13 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

BREAKING: Bush's Private Investigation into Katrina Revealed

I have just received from an anonymous source some of the final conclusions of President Bush's personal super, duper, double secret investigation into what went wrong with the handling of Katrina. He is very proud of the way his administration used patience; dedication and hard work to help those in need during the storm. Here is a partial list of his findings:

1) Because of a faulty TV remote control, Michael Brown was watching CNN instead of FOX News throughout last week while Hurricane Katrina assaulted the Gulf Coast. That was the problem right in a nutshell. We all know CNN hates me. I issued a special executive purchase order to buy one of those new fangled, all-purpose remote controls from Radio Shack so we won't have that problem ever again. I can hardly blame the man for being ill-informed when we depend on the valuable Intel that FOX News delivers to us and the nation on a regular basis. CNN is now on our "no watch" list along with CBS.

2) Both General Myers and Michael Chertoff were constantly combing the newspapers on Tuesday for information about the disaster and were informed that the worst had passed. You can't blame them for the faulty intelligence that was printed in the media. Ever since Judy Miller has been imprisoned, I just can't trust them anymore.

3) I had called Dick Cheney to get down there and make an assessment of the situation, but his cell phone battery died and he thought I told him to get Condi on it. Well, when Dick called Condi, she was watching the Broadway Show "Spamalot" and thought the VP told her to go to Ferragamo"s, which is a secret intelligence drop spot. Upon arriving at Ferragamo's, she purchased a few pairs of shoes that were supposed to have classified Intel hidden in their heels. When she arrived back at her hotel, the heels had no Intel and the shoes were non-refundable so she had to keep them. What is a girl supposed to do anyway? That accounted for the extra 48 hours, which made it appear that we were doing nothing and also accounted for Dick Cheney's absence from this whole event.

4) Since I thought my main man Dick Cheney was handling it, I was free to go down to San Diego and play a little guitar with my boys. If I had known that the chain of command had been compromised, I wouldn't have jammed with the band.

5) My findings absolve everyone in my administration of any wrongdoing and I deem this investigation closed. However, I have asked Kenneth Starr to return to Washington and open up another investigation into the culpability of the Democratic leadership.

I almost forgot. He may be trying to lose weight,
but that only proves that Michael Moore IS SO fat!

And that is absolutely preliminary, interim AND final.