01/18/2012 11:24 am ET Updated Mar 18, 2012

Fledgling Father Jay-Z Seeing Vaginas in Whole New Light

Jay Z and Beyonce have triumphantly followed their basic biological directives, resulting in the birth of Homo Sapiens number 108,249,347,846. Proud papa Jay Z immediately made a successful bid to become the first human being in 50,000 years of sentience to conjure up an original thought concerning the most commonplace of mammalian experiences by rapping about the event in a song released simultaneously with the cutting of the umbilical cord. Although the words themselves are purportedly such a hackneyed jumble of half-rhymes that even diehard fans of Jay-Z are rumored to be mulling the nickname "Snoop Doggerel," Mr. Z did manage to go where no father had gone before by including the phrase "Shit happens" in a maternity ward ode.

A week later Jay Z presented the world with another unsolicited daddy poem, described by many as "a hackneyed jumble of half-rhymes without the music," in which he vowed to cease using the word "bitch" in any future material out of respect for the tiny bundle of symbolic femininity his biatch, Beyonce, had just carried around for nine months.

In a related story, disappointed critics fear the trite outbursts are evidence that Jay-Z intends to make good on his implied threat to produce future material.