THE BLOG
12/28/2011 10:07 am ET Updated Feb 27, 2012

25 Important Questions About Aging and Death

1. If you drop dead of a heart attack on a putting green and your golf club accidentally knocks the ball into the hole, does it count?

2. Is it against the law to put a handicapped sticker on a Maximum Destructor Crash Monster Truck?

3. How much time does it take for nose hairs to grow into an acceptable mustache?

4. Is it considered bad taste to use a cremation urn as an ashtray after the remains have been scattered?

5. What if you're on your deathbed and you recover?

6. If it's your "Last Will and Testament," how come you can change it?

7. Why are there no do-it-yourself kits for coffins?

8. Why are stool sample receptacles transparent?

9. Why do they call it a "wake"? Do they think the dead guy is taking a nap?

10. Why don't they make walkers that come ready-made with tennis-ball-like parts on the legs?

11. Is it considered impolite to ask your gastroenterologist why he chose that particular field?

12. Why do you have to wear a suit in your coffin? Is everybody in heaven an investment banker? Will there be a formal dinner party in the Great Beyond? Will it make a better impression on St. Peter? What if everybody else is wearing shorts?

13. If you go to the library and borrow a book on Alzheimer's Disease, do they charge a penalty fee if you forget to return it?

14. What the hell does the term "natural causes" mean?

15. Why do old people wear enormous eyeglasses? Is it a fashion statement?

16. Is there a waiting room in Purgatory? If so, are the magazines current?

17. Why do morticians try to make you look better dead than you looked when you were alive?

18. Will your doctor think less of you if you use the word "poopy" instead of the term "bowel movement"?

19. If you have an iron lung, should you stay away from magnets?

20. Why don't coffins have wheels?

21. Why does the Grim Reaper carry a scythe? Is he planning to cut hay? Wouldn't it be less labor-intensive if he had a thresher?

22. Assuming there's an afterlife, how many brownie points do you need to come back as Scarlett Johansson's bra? (Or George Clooney's...um...)

23. Can a hearse driver with a corpse on board use the carpool lane?

24. When your coffin is lowered into your grave, why do the mourners throw dirt on it? It's a brand new coffin - why would you want it to get all scuffed up?

25. Are forever stamps really good for eternity?