Hoping to capitalize on the lucrative over-50 Boomer market, Apple has launched its much-anticipated new smartphone for seniors, the iSight 6t. The revolutionary device comes with apps designed specifically for Boomers who are plagued by nostalgia issues or health problems (including senioritis). Here are a few examples of the iSight 6t's most innovative apps:
Who Is This Person? App: Can't remember who your contacts are? This app will remind you. For example, if you ask your phone, "Who the hell is Debbie Johnson?" the device will respond, "You met her at a Stones concert in 1968. She was the blonde with the hoop earrings, the weird face paint and the pink granny glasses. You dated her for six months. She used to say you looked like Jim Morrison. She was lying."
Rotary Phone Adapter App: Having trouble making calls? Always forget to hit the "Send" key? Feeling nostalgic for the old days? iSight 6t has a feature that converts your phone to rotary dialing.
Boomer GPS Voice Choices App: Now you can choose from over 100 old-time voices to direct you to your destination. Included are the voices of Lucille Ball, Jackie Gleason, Bullwinkle, Fonzie, Tonto, Johnny Carson, Perry Mason and the "Mamma Mia, that's a spicy meatball" guy.
Senior Discount Navigator App: This handy app lets you know which vendors offer senior discounts, where they're located, and how annoyed they'll be at having to give you 20 percent off just because you're old. Added feature: The phone will calculate exactly how much gas your car will consume and then convert that information into the amount of money it will cost you to drive to the vendor's place of business, thus allowing you to decide whether the discount is worth the drive.
Where Did I Put My Phone? App: Just say "Where are you, bro?" and the phone will reply, telling you its location by shouting out something like, "I'm in your medicine cabinet next to the Viagra, kemosabe."
Symptoms App: Have a weird pain in your stomach, a disturbing leg cramp or a sudden eye twitch? Describe your symptoms to the iSight 6t and it will immediately offer you 20 possible diagnoses, two of which will always be something really bad. Choose one ailment and the phone will automatically dial a specialist who will appear to be no older than 15.
Manual Battery Recharge App: Keep forgetting to charge your battery? Can't seem to find your car charger? The iSight 6t comes with a hand crank so you'll always have power unless you have arthritis.
I Dropped My Phone and I Can't Pick It Up App: Is that old back injury making it hard for you to bend over to retrieve your phone after dropping it on the pavement or the floor? Upon impact, this app will automatically call a friendly Apple iSight 6t representative who will locate you, pick up your phone for you, dust it off and, in a slightly condescending tone of voice, politely tell you to be more careful next time.
Senior Wallpaper App: The iSight 6t provides you with 200 nostalgic background images for your phone. Among your choices are a shot of Yvette Mimieux from the famous "Dr. Kildare" episode, the cover of Jack Kerouac's On The Road, a portrait of George McGovern, a group shot of Herman and the Hermits, a close-up of a perspiring Richard Nixon from the Kennedy-Nixon debates, a psychedelic picture of a really stoned hippie playing the flute and a still shot of the cast from Mod Squad.
Though Apple expects to attract over one million customers the day the phone becomes available, the company plans to release only 500,000 units, thus creating greater demand and annoying half a million people.
The new iSight 6t retails at $599, which sounds like a real drain on your social security check, but adjusting for inflation, the 1950 price would compute to $65, so it's actually a bargain. And no, there are no senior discounts.
Some industry insiders advise consumers to wait before purchasing the iSight 6t because the makers of the Android line will soon be releasing their own version of a senior smartphone -- the "Blandroid."