04/09/2014 05:19 pm ET Updated Jun 09, 2014

Confessions of a $20 Bill

Thank you so much for giving me First Amendment rights, Antonin, you greedy, arrogant douchebag. Who said I wanted to speak? Nobody consulted me. All these years I've been silent and happy in a wallet or a bank vault or tied to a stack of other $20 bills in a drug dealer's briefcase, and now you expect me to talk?

What am I supposed to say exactly? "The sawbuck next to me in your wallet is wrinkled and smells bad"? "Please clean me up, some idiot kid with sticky fingers just traded me for spun sugar at the carnival"? "You're using me to buy a gun? I hope you shoot yourself in the ass, Einstein"? "Please don't roll me up and put me in your nose, you useless, brainless coke addict"? "You're giving me to Mitch McConnell's campaign? Are you out of your mind, asshole?"?

All these years, I've accepted my fate as a mute, and now I can speak? Ugh. I liked "silence is golden" a lot better than "money talks."

And what's with the "In God We Trust" on my back? I'm an atheist.

You've ruined my life, Antonin. Thanks to you, nobody's talking to me anymore. The other day, I got into an argument with a crisp new $10 bill that had been stuffed next to me in some guy's wallet. "Why is Alexander Hamilton on you?" I asked him. "Hamilton wasn't even a President. Hell, he wasn't even born here. How come Jefferson, who was a President and wrote the Declaration of Independence gets a pathetic $2 bill which I never see anywhere anymore?"

Now that I can talk, I called the Bureau of Printing and Engraving. They said there are lots of $2 bills in circulation. Seriously? Where? In Bulgaria?

I miss Jefferson. He was a nice guy. Intellectual. Where did he go -- on a cruise? No, he's on a nickel! A lousy nickel! Nickels are in pockets, not wallets. We rarely get together anymore. Did you think of that, Antonin?

What about Lincoln? Sure, he gets a $5 bill, but also a penny. A penny? People hate pennies. They don't even pick them up if they drop them. You want to do something useful, Antonin? Abolish pennies. You think you're fooling anybody by this $5.99 crap?

Truman gets nothing! It's outrageous.

Why is Grover Cleveland on a $1000 bill and FDR gets a dime? I like FDR. He gave a lot of my colleagues to poor people. So does Obama. Truth be told, I prefer it that way. Rich people usually tend to just throw me down the toilet. Money to burn. Ouch.

On the other hand, Ben Franklin tells me the Cayman Islands are not a bad place to retire.

Never mind all that. Here's the problem: I can talk but nobody's listening. Did anybody ask me about my party affiliation? No. I happen to like Hillary, but instead, my current dumb-ass owner will probably give me, and a lot of my friends, to Rand Paul or to some other Republican nitwit. After that, who knows? I don't like traveling much but I especially hate being handed from one Republican to another.

But that was your plan all along, Antonin, right?

Wait. There could be a bright side. Maybe I'll end up in your wallet, Antonin, or Clarence's or one of the other three idiots. Ha! Then I'll conspire with my friends and we'll seize control of you. There should be more than enough of us to organize a huge rebel force. The Koch brothers have deep pockets.