12/05/2014 02:49 pm ET Updated Feb 03, 2015

Congress to Obama: Need to Go Somewhere? Call Uber

President Obama was in a quandary -- where oh where would he deliver his 2016 State of the Union Address? Congress had forbidden him access to the Capitol Building the year before and he couldn't do it from the White House because Republican House members had voted to confiscate his desk, his Presidential podium and all Presidential Seals, not to mention his teleprompter and his furniture. He certainly couldn't sit on the floor and deliver it. Or could he?

Air Force One? No. Congress had sold it to American Airlines and replaced it with a biplane from the Smithsonian.

Sasha suggested he give the annual speech at her school auditorium but would it be safe? Funding for his Secret Service detail had been drastically slashed and his only protection was a seventy-year-old former junkyard security guard who suffered from glaucoma and was the only person in the country who could not get a gun license,

And how would he get there? The Presidential limo was gone and his gas allowance had been cut, which left him two choices -- he could either walk or take a cab.

He missed the Oval Office but he had been good-natured about working from the White House basement. Sure, it was chilly, since Congress had eliminated funds for heating and he couldn't get a space heater because the electricity had been cut off.

He decided that taking a cab was a bad idea. He could not afford the fare because his salary had been drastically reduced to $3.00 an hour with no overtime. Perhaps he should call Uber.

But walking was healthy (even though it was sixteen miles) and he could grab a Cheeseburger at Burger King on the way. He missed the White House Chef but he had grown used to eating pizza crust leftovers, which he stored in a mini-fridge in his official residence at Motel 6. Sometimes Michelle cooked spaghetti on their battery-operated hot plate. Congress had pawned the White House china but the Obamas had gotten accustomed to eating off paper plates.

His last state dinner had been a disaster. Olive Garden could barely accommodate his guests. Merkel had to sit on a barstool; Putin said his Chicken Diablo was undercooked; the British Prime Minister was unhappy about the service. Thankfully, Netanyahu had picked up the check.

The impeachment proceedings were not going well for him either. This was partly because the attorney that Congress had assigned to his case was a stuttering agoraphobe who had recently graduated from an Internet law school.

But impeachment was not on his mind at the moment. It was his Constitutional duty to deliver the State of the Union Address and if he defied the Constitution, Congress would sue him again and he couldn't afford the court costs, certainly not after spending all of his savings on the last twelve lawsuits.

Suddenly, President Obama had a brilliant idea. There was a karaoke bar a mile from his motel. It was open mic. The lyric screen could be his teleprompter! He would deliver it there!

After all, there was nothing in the Constitution that said he couldn't sing the speech.