02/20/2013 03:41 pm ET Updated Nov 11, 2013

Constipated? We Have a God for That

These are hard times for entrepreneurs like me. For some inexplicable reason, I failed to get backing for my hybrid automobile that runs solely on the power of windmills attached to the car roof. Go figure. I guess there just isn't enough venture capital to go around these days, not even for brilliant environmental concepts like mine.

So I've decided to turn to religion. No, I don't mean I'm going to pray to God so He'll bestow a million dollar idea upon me -- I've decided to invent a religion.

And not any kind of old-fashioned religion, mine would be a Cyber religion.

Granted, I'm an atheist but I'm willing to sacrifice my strong beliefs if it means I won't have to live in my Chevy anymore and eat Nachos every day.

The beauty of religion is that you don't need a product! You can make a fortune in tithes and donations without having to sell a tangible object! You can't mow the lawn with religion; you can't wear it, you can't fix a toilet with it, eat it, or use it for sex. What a gimmick!

And since religion is not a product, you don't need venture capital or advertising dollars or patent attorneys or expensive prototypes or even employees and best of all, you don't have to pay taxes. You just sit back and watch the cash roll in.

Religion is an entrepreneur's wet dream. The market is huge. Everybody is looking for hope, faith and salvation.

First of all, forget monotheism. With one God, you limit your merchandising potential because people only need to buy one icon. If you have a lot of different deities, each of them with a different area of expertise, you can see huge profits in merchandising revenue.

You got a problem with sex, you pray to one specific god. Constipated? Yup, we'll have a god for that. You got a lot of problems, you'll need the deluxe set of ten or twenty gods, for which there will be a reasonable layaway plan.

And all this stuff will be available exclusively on our online store.

Creating a bible will be easy. I know a guy who writes paranormal/fantasy fiction and he's got a quirky imagination. He's unpublished, so I think I can get him to do it on spec if I promise him ten percent in royalties. I can avoid printing costs by making it available only in eBook format. It would be the first self-published, digitalized religious tract. The Gospel According to Kindle or The Good Nook. LOL.

I'll advertise on the Internet, set up a blog, create a website, design a Facebook Page and sign up for a Twitter account. The Word will travel exponentially.

No brick and mortar churches will be necessary. Confessions will be via Facebook chat; church services will be held on YouTube or, for a more personal touch, Skype.

Most religions have missionaries, which is just another name for salesmen who work for free. No commissions! Hallelujah! Convert six people and sell five religious potholders or key chains (made in China) and your soul will be saved for all eternity. What a racket!

Right now I'm playing with a few names. The only one I like so far is Monetarianism, but that might be a little too obvious.

I'm sure that once I have an actual deity for that, lightning will strike.