THE BLOG
11/26/2014 02:44 pm ET Updated Jan 25, 2015

Excerpts From Texas's New American History Textbook

Preface to Moses and the Constitution

God made the Earth and all it's fixin's in seven days starting on Friday, April 1, 4002 B.C. and finishing up a week later without a lunch break. On the evening of the seventh day, when he was plum tuckered out, God said, "TGIF" and rested at a day spa located at an oasis in what is now our very own El Paso, Texas!!

God's next miracle was to create Mankind. Contrary to some beliefs, Adam was born in a conservative business suit cause bein' all nekkid was an abomination. Archaeological evidence supports the theory that Adam's first meal sure as heck looked a lot like Tex-Mex cheese enchiladas and we know how y'all just love those, right kids?

Eve sprung from one of Adam's ribs without no anesthetics but it didn't hurt too much 'cause God had not yet created pain. Guess he plum forgot! Pain would be invented a few months later when He got Hisself an episode of acid reflux after having consumed some chili that was hotter than a goat's butt in a pepper patch! Y'all know what that's like, don't you kids? Hot damn! Get out the Dr. Pepper!

That night, Adam and Eve... close y'all's eyes now, y'hear ... fornicated, which made God fit to be tied so he told 'em to skedaddle out of the Garden of Eden (located in what is now a Houston suburb.) They departed on the back of a dinosaur right quick like.

(Note to students: Some deranged folks believe that Mankind "evolved" from monkeys. There is absolutely no proof for this, kids. Sure enough, many of us folks enjoy bananas but we all just have a hankerin' for nachos, BBQ and Big Macs a whole lot more, and most of us Texas folks do not throw our feces, although this is sometimes real temptin' when encountering them Godless liberals from up nawth)

In 1656 A.D., God decided that Mankind was evil (not His fault, He said) so He chose ole man Noah to build hisself an ark that would survive a real turd-floater of a storm (no, this ain't got nothing to do with Global Warming, which y'all know is a hoax.) Noah landed his ole ark on Mt. Ararat (located in what is now Dallas) and the human race began again. From that day forth, there was no longer no evil in the world, except in some of them states where the abomination of same-sex marriage is permitted by Yankee socialist varmints.

Moses and the Constitution

Some years later, Moses came down from Mt. Sinai carrying two enormous rock tablets (even though papyrus existed.) These were the Ten Commandments and Moses was fixin' ta put them in the Bible, which was later printed on paper so that Motel 6 would not have to put six thousand tons of rock tablets in the night table drawers of their hotel rooms. Y'all followin' this so far?

In 1778, after wandering in the desert for forty years because he was too goldarn proud to stop for directions, Moses ended up in Philadelphia and was invited to become one of America's Founding Fathers, although John Adams suggested that he consider altering his wardrobe prior to attending meetings. So Moses got all gussied up.

One day, while helping Benjamin Franklin untangle some kite string, Moses experienced a divine inspiration and invented something called "democracy." He was happier than a gopher in soft dirt even after George Washington informed him that the Greeks already done that many years before.

In 1787, Moses told the other Founding Fathers that, after consulting with Jesus, he had grabbed hisself some excerpts from the Bible and used these to produce a document called the "Constitution." Everybody thought it was granny-slappin' good, although that whippersnapper Thomas Jefferson suggested that parts of it would require a rewrite. Moses was not offended and agreed to edit out the "begets" and suchlike.

Although he was a peace lovin' fella, Moses had developed a fascination with muskets because the sound produced by these here objects reminded him of the deafening holler God made when He was feeling all wrathful-like (which was pretty much all the time.) And so it came to pass that God persuaded the Founding Fathers that all fellas should be permitted to bear these weapons to protect theyselves from intruders and folks who wore hoodies. Thus was it written in the Constitution and it remains the holiest of all laws in this here land of ours. Amen.

(Footnote: These events have been definitively proven by Dr. Bubba T. Farnsworth, a Texas minister, scientist, amateur science fiction author and general good ole boy who holds degrees in History, Archaeology and Ceramic Design from two prestigious Texas Internet Universities.)