THE BLOG
11/04/2014 09:13 am ET Updated Dec 30, 2014

Halloween Horror Story: President Cruz and the Tea Party Congress

President Cruz was a busy man. Dismantling the government was a little harder than he had bargained for -- all that annoying legislation -- but it had only been two weeks since his inauguration and he had already made remarkable progress.

Fortunately, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had unilaterally abolished the Filibuster Rule on Day One and since Republicans held majorities in both houses of Congress, every bill had sailed through. Gone were the EPA, the Department of Education, Food Stamps, unemployment insurance, Obamacare, science and the White House portrait of FDR but there was still much to do.

Secretary of Immigration Jan Brewer was making solid progress with the detention camps (which would hold over two million illegal aliens and those who kinda looked like aliens) and Congress had approved funds to hire 200,000 heavily armed, mentally unstable citizen soldiers to patrol the southwestern borders under the leadership of Major General Wayne LaPierre.

So far, Scott Walker had been a wonderful secretary of Labor. It had only taken him three days to make it a federal crime to join a labor union. But President Cruz had to give some of the credit to his two trusted Chiefs of Staff, David and Charles Koch, both of whom had proved invaluable, although Cruz suspected they were pilfering White House flatware as there never seemed to be enough butter knives.

But the advice he had received from Attorney General Bachmann troubled him a bit. No president had ever fired a Supreme Court Justice before, let alone four, but Cruz was intrigued with the idea of setting Constitutional precedents and there wouldn't be any opposition other than some ineffectual whining from the Democrats, so why the hell not?

Thank Goodness Congress had just passed the Constitutional Ratification Act, which mandated that only six random Republican Senators or their wives would be required to ratify any alterations to the Constitution. So at least it would be legal.

Could he really just abolish the Democratic Party outright or should he follow the advice of Secretary of Disenfranchisement, Rick Scott, and require registered Democrats to produce twelve identification documents and a urine sample in order to vote? He would have to think about that. After all, he had to maintain the world's belief that the United States was still a democracy. Or did he? Now that Secretary of State Bolton had relocated the United Nations to Guantanamo, how would any damn foreigners find out?

Managing those two pesky wars was proceeding well because Secretary of War John McCain was an able military strategist although, much to the chagrin of Chevron, the Canadians were putting up a pretty good defense. At least the annexation of Mexico (Exxon's idea) had been a stroll in the park. President Cruz was, however, a bit mystified when McCain repeatedly showed up in the Situation Room wearing a saber and why did he keep droning on about ordering a nuclear strike on somebody called Barbara Ann? Fortunately, President Cruz had followed Joint Chief of Staff Chairman Dick Cheney's advice and increased the war budget by sixteen trillion dollars, half of which, according to Cheney, would go to a charity called Halliburton to reupholster office furniture.

Not only had Secretary of the Treasury Paul Ryan accomplished 75% of his agenda in a week, he had also hired a hairstylist to shave off his widow's peak. So far, Ryan's most brilliant plan had been to raise the eligibility age for Medicare and Social Security to ninety, with Medicare deductibles set at $80,000.

Moreover, Ryan's plan to lower the minimum wage to $0.35 an hour would do wonders for the economy -- businessmen would make higher profits which would trickle down to the middle class and make the economy boom just like Saint Reagan had ordained. After all, according to Surgeon General Palin, the Constitution says, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses who yearn to work for free."

Yes, President Cruz was happy with the way things were going so far and looked forward to more radical changes. The FCC was about to revoke the broadcast licenses of MSNBC and The Daily Show; the Department of Health and Human Services would soon be abolished because, as Vice President Louie Gohmert put it, "Nobody really cares about any of that stuff"; the FBI was closing in on fugitive, Bill Maher; Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Donald Trump had teamed up with Secretary of the Interior, Sheldon Adelson, to oversee the construction of gambling casinos in all national parks and allow oil companies to frack in peoples' living rooms.

Trick or treat?