11/14/2011 04:42 pm ET Updated Jan 14, 2012

To Herman Cain: I Am the "Democrat Machine"

Okay, I admit it, Herman. I'm responsible for revealing the sex scandal that now plagues your campaign. I'm the sinister "Democrat Machine." I organized this terrifying, secretive cabal of sleazy Democrats that now threatens the very existence of the Republican Party.

And yes, just as you claim, the whole thing was a conspiracy to sink your candidacy. The details of the scheme were contrived by me and two other grassroots activists including my wife (who bakes cookies for our local Democratic club fundraisers), and a guy named Tim who I met at Lenscrafters.

We hatched our devious plan at our local organic restaurant where, after much discussion, we decided to split three different kinds of pancakes. Being Democrats, none of us could agree on which pancakes to order. Tim and I like blueberry oat bran pancakes and my wife likes strawberry whole wheat.

We caucused for two hours, but were unable to reach a decision. Finally, our waitress, an outspoken Republican, made the choice for us by introducing yogurt cornmeal pancakes into the equation. We left her a 25% tip. She said she was going to send it to you because she likes your smile. Do you accept coins?

This is not my first foray into undermining the GOP, Herman. One time, I organized a protest against Michele Bachmann by getting some of my Dem friends to throw empty Pinot Grigio bottles, tofu and wadded-up copies of The Nation on her front lawn, but there was a Pellegrino sale at Trader Joe's so nobody showed up but me.

The year before, a few members of my book discussion group and I disrupted a Tea Party town hall meeting by loudly broadcasting Pottery Barn music and humpback whale sounds through huge Bose speakers. That showed 'em!

I've made some nasty protest signs too. One of my best was, "Donald Trump Doesn't Use Cloth Bags When He Shops for Groceries!" There's nothing like clever verbiage to cut someone to the quick! Powerful stuff.

Anyway, back to you, Herman. The reason I felt compelled to derail your campaign is obvious: Of all the Republican candidates, I know you'd be the greatest threat to President Obama's re-election. Clearly, your candidacy terrifies the President's campaign staff. Your devilish smile and rakish hat have captured the imaginations of millions of voters who have lost interest in Charlie Sheen.

And, given the overwhelming popularity of corporate CEOs and lobbyists these days, how can you possibly lose?

More importantly, every American loves pizza, and Godfather's is known for its thick crust. An informal CNN poll recently revealed that 85% of Americans prefer thick crust. Of these, 51% are Independents and 2% are leprechauns.

If crust becomes a major issue in the 2012 election (and it surely will), we Democrats will be toast. Side dishes could present a whole array of problems as well. Salad is a potential minefield, especially it if has arugula in it.

To be honest Herman, I prefer thick crust myself and I'm a registered Democrat. I just can't decide on toppings.