12/23/2013 08:57 am ET Updated Feb 22, 2014

I Met My Girlfriend on Goodreads

I found Sophie through a "search for friends" on Goodreads. It took awhile but after reading her profile (which was accompanied by a sexy photo of her) I clicked on "compare books" and was delighted to find that our circles merged perfectly, the blue and green orbs becoming one as if the gods of Goodreads had meant for us to meet.

After some preliminary messaging, we decided to meet for lunch.

I chose a clean well-lighted place on the waterfront, far from the madding crowd, in a suburb called Middlesex to see if she had the right stuff. Admittedly, I had great expectations, but ultimately it was Sophie's choice. It was a beautiful day -- the wind in the willows, fragrant leaves of grass, the wampeters, foma and granfaloons were playing in the park and I was overcome by a remembrance of things past because it reminded me of my metropolitan life in Winesburg, Ohio and all the sex in the city I had experienced there.

The forecast had said there was a gathering storm but it was all quiet on the western front. In fact it was so clear, I felt that I could see from here to eternity. The chances of rain were less than zero.

I saw Sophie walk through Mansfield Park, past the fountainhead where she almost bumped into a girl with a pearl earring who was extremely loud and incredibly close. We said hello and she told me that she wasn't that hungry because she'd eaten a breakfast of champions as well as cakes and ale at the hotel New Hampshire and had heartburn so she just ordered a crazy salad.

She had lovely bones and was the object of beauty. I'd brought her a single flower, which I had pulled up from the roots, but I didn't know the name of the rose. There was a lonesome dove without feathers and I saw one fly over the cuckoo's nest.

We talked about a lot of things -- about the importance of being earnest, of time and the river, of mice and men, of the mysteries of Pittsburgh. She was as good as gold and I knew this would be endless love. We decided to meet again the next day and have breakfast at Tiffany's followed by a naked lunch on the beach at the homesick restaurant.

If all went well, she said, we would lie down in darkness and experience the joy of sex.

So I booked a room with a view.

The End.