08/16/2012 09:02 pm ET Updated Oct 16, 2012

What a Paul Ryan Medicare Voucher Will Buy You

Corneal Transplant: No surgeon. Just a socket wrench and a marble.

Diabetes: Ten diluted shots of insulin and a Value Pack of sugarless gum.

Medications: A road map to Toronto and a pair of mittens.

Colonoscopy: No gastroenterologist. Just a waterproof mini-camera attached to a garden hose.

Cancer: A card that says "Good Luck."

Acupuncture: Twelve sewing needles and a Chinese dictionary.

Depression: No shrink. Just a greeting card that says "Cheer Up."

Alzheimer's: A bouquet of Forget-Me-Nots from in a glass vase.

Anesthesia: No anesthesiologist. Just a copy of Marcel Proust's "Remembrance of Things Past," or a bottle of Southern Comfort and a hammer.

Tourette syndrome: A roll of duct tape.

Hospital Stay: One hour on a hospital basement floor and an IV made from a Ziploc Bag.

Tooth Extraction: No dentist. Just a string and a doorknob.

Hearing Aid: A hat that says, "Talk Louder."

Amputation: No surgeon. Just a hacksaw.

Two frozen steaks from Costco.

Severed Finger: A tube of Krazy Glue.

Transfusion: Some red liquid that looks like blood.

Wheelchair: Two used bicycle wheels attached to a garage sale kitchen chair.

Blindness: A leash.

Erectile Dysfunction: A bicycle pump.

Radiation Therapy: A visit to a nuclear power plant.

A Doctor Visit: Ten minutes with a serious-looking guy in a lab coat.

Diarrhea: A cork.