09/19/2012 06:21 pm ET Updated Nov 19, 2012

Reagan Speaks From the Grave: 'Vote for Obama'

Romney? Are you kidding me? You couldn't have found anybody better than him? I did a spit take when I heard that one. Blew coffee all over Millard Fillmore's shirt. Heck, I made more sense when I had Alzheimer's. Bonzo made more sense.

What in God's name have you lamebrains done to the Republican Party? What are you thinking? Sam Adams is infuriated. "They call themselves the Tea Party?" he exclaims. "Hah! I find that personally insulting. When we dumped the tea, it was because of taxation without representation. THEY HAVE REPRESENTATION!! Really lousy representation, but that's their fault. Plus we had better costumes."

"Some people just evolve faster than others," Darwin suggested.

Abe Lincoln thought it was pretty cool when the country elected a black president. He would point to himself and say, "Emancipation Proclamation, Emancipation Proclamation." I thought it was cool too. But now you folks are calling him Hitler? I've never met Hitler because he lives with Stalin and Torquemada downstairs in a really stuffy room, but I hear he's infuriated.

My pal Lenin isn't too happy about it either. "If he's a socialist," Vladimir says, "I'm the tooth fairy."

"And all this money they spend!" Bill McKinley exclaimed. "Guess what my campaign cost? $964.98. For buttons."

"And what's this filibuster thing?" Ben Franklin asked me. "That wasn't part of the plan was it? Didn't we want the Congress to pass laws? That was the point right?"

Susan B. Anthony threw up last night when she heard the name Todd Akin.

"Remind me," Grover Cleveland said "How do you pronounce the name Boehner? I forgot."

Even my good friend Dick Nixon can't believe it. "Let me make one thing perfectly clear," he said to me one day while we were watching the primary debates. "We couldn't get elected today. Ronnie. Remember what I did? Oh my God!! I started the EPA! I supported the Clean Air Act! They'd call me a Communist for going to China and a socialist for doing wage and price controls; I endorsed the ERA. Hell Ronnie, they'd boo me off the stage today."

"Same here, Dick," I said sadly. "I raised taxes eleven times! Grover Norquist would've had a fit. And Paul Ryan would've loved this -- while I was President, the national debt went from $997 billion to 2.85 trillion. Oops. Plus I granted amnesty to three million illegal immigrants."

"We'd be toast today," Nixon said.

I asked King Louis XVI what he thought of Romney. "My kind of guy," he said. "Ask my wife. She knows a lot about baked goods and poor people."

"Does he play the violin?" Nero asked.

Jesus was standing nearby eating a falafel. "I wish I'd never said anything," he moaned. "If only I'd known..."

"So what's the solution, fellas?" Ike asked the group at bingo the other night. "Who's going to save the country from these meatheads?"

Teddy Roosevelt twirled his mustache. "I don't want these idiots drilling for oil in my national parks. And have you seen the weather they have down there now? Frankly, I'd vote for Obama."

"B13," Al Capone said from the stage. I smiled and circled the number on my card. "Bingo!" I said.