11/19/2012 04:26 pm ET Updated Jan 19, 2013

10 Other Reasons Why Romney Lost

Since getting royally trounced in the election, Republicans, imitating the logic and behavior usually limited to kindergarten recess, have been trying desperately to figure out how they could possibly have lost. How could a man who blatantly changed his positions on almost everything be defeated? How could his 16th century opinions on abortion, contraception, rape, taxes and creative methods of canine travel have been rejected by voters? So what if he wouldn't release his tax returns? Who cares if he pioneered outsourcing? Why would dismissing 47 percent of voters as parasites have an effect?

Some say it was due to Democratic voter suppression; the candidate himself blames it on the Obama Administration's "gifts" to minority voters; others blame it on Hurricane Sandy and/or Chris Christie; Karl Rove claims that the Republican primary was responsible because it was, in his words, "butt ugly," which is probably a term he is accustomed to hearing, but not in a political context.

Everybody in the Republican Party seems to have a different opinion, few of which take into consideration the fact that they had a lousy candidate, a platform that resembled Torquemada's to-do list, and a crew of blabbermouths who regularly voiced insane opinions on things like God's bizarre passion for rape.

But so far they have overlooked some of the more reasonable explanations, such as the following:

Amish warlocks placed a curse on Mitt because he put a bonnet manufacturing company out business during his Bain years and was against the buggy bailout.

Democrats secretly distributed 200,000 copies of Fifty Shades of Grey to Republican women in Michigan, thus giving them something more satisfying to do with themselves than vote.

An astrologer in Budapest claimed that the position of Jupiter's third largest moon foretold that Democrats would win Ohio, thus affecting the vote there.

Secret Chinese experiments with electromagnetic rays caused Republican voters to go temporarily sane on November 6 and vote for Democrats.

An insidious Democratic cabal of scientists at NASA electronically altered the orbits of five tracking satellites, thus sabotaging the GPSs of Ohio Republicans who drove voters to the polls and, as a result, ended up in Canada.

Fortune cookies in Miami were biased, influencing elderly Jews to vote Democratic.

Kenyan operatives infiltrated polling places in Wisconsin.

False rumors that The Kingston Trio would be giving a free concert in Orlando on Election Day were circulated among young Republicans.

Obama's prayers to the Vishnu influenced the Latino vote.

In response to Romney's stand on immigration, aliens from the Andromeda Galaxy telepathically controlled the minds of a million Republicans, causing them all to vote for Obama.

And most absurd of all:

Obama got more votes.