11/03/2013 07:40 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

Cupcake Reform Tops Do-Nothing Congress's 2014 Agenda

HR 056: The Confectionary Standards Amendment Act: Stipulates that the Congressional cafeteria must offer a wider variety of cookies and cupcakes, and mandates the formation of a Select Committee On Cookies and Cupcakes to decide the flavors and dimensions of said cookies and cupcakes. The act supersedes the Mandatory Dessert Control Act of 2012, which limited cookie choices to chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin, and cupcake frosting to chocolate and vanilla.

HR 444: The Congressional Relief Accessories Reform Act: Appropriates funds to provide scented toilet tissue in all Congressional lavatories. A special Congressional committee comprised of fifteen senior members will be appointed to investigate and choose between Hawaiian Breeze, Bamboo Rain and Red Honeysuckle Nectar.

HR 671: The Robert C. Pendleton Commemorative Coin Act: Allocates funds to create a silver coin commemorating Robert C. Pendleton for his heroic service to America, which was comprised of his choosing the official typeface for the Congressional Record in the face of fierce attacks from a team of graphic designers and calligraphers, resulting in the infamous Battle of the Fonts in 1948. The text of said coin will be written in the exact font for which Mr. Pendleton so gallantly fought.

HR 123: The Congressional Twitter Expansion Act: Authorizes members of the House of Representatives the exclusive privilege of utilizing 175 characters when engaged in the act of tweeting if said tweeting is conducted on the floor of Congress when the body is in session or during the State of the Union address.

HR 325: The Footwear Workers Facility Reform Act. Requires that soft fluffy cushions be added to the uncomfortable leather seats at the Congressional shoeshine parlor in order to preserve and protect the posteriors of Congressional representatives, and mandates that two additional shades of cordovan polish be included in an effort to prevent color discrimination.

HR 658: The Specialty Weapon Defense of Freedom Act. In keeping with the provisions of the Second Amendment of the Constitution of the United States, minors over the age of six years will be permitted to carry squirt guns at day camp. Also stipulates that camp counselors will not be allowed to confiscate said items except in cases of severe leakage and inappropriate indoor usage.

HR 287: The Congressional Transportation Workers Freedom of Choice Act: Overturns the 1986 law that requires Congressional limousine drivers to wear long ties while on duty. Drivers will now be permitted to wear bowties instead, provided they are neatly tied and pass Federal neckwear regulations. Also allocates funds to provide for a staff of sixteen bowtie inspectors responsible for the approval of bowtie straightness, size and color.

HR 888: The Affordable Care Act International Employment Bill: Stipulates that all federally-appointed ACA customer service representatives employed by the Department of Health and Human Services be required to speak in foreign accents and refer to themselves with common American names. The member-appointed Select Committee on Bogus Customer Service Names will choose a list of prospective appellations for said employees, which will be followed by a floor vote.

HB 112: The Cooking Implement Recognition Proclamation Act: Designates May 9th of each year as National Spatula, Cheese Grater and Kebab Skewer Day. The legislation supersedes HR 560 of 1976, which formerly designated May 9th as Lost Sock Memorial Day.