12/12/2012 12:51 pm ET Updated Feb 11, 2013

20 Reasons Why Republicans Are Suspicious of Santa

1. Isn't it a little odd that Santa and Mrs. Claus have never had children? Has Mrs. Claus had an abortion? Are the Clauses pro-choice?

2. Are the elves unionized? Do they have collective bargaining rights? Huge pensions? Too much vacation time? Health care plans? If so, why hasn't Santa busted the elves' union and taken a big bonus? More importantly, why isn't he outsourcing to China?

3. That hat looks vaguely Islamic.

4. How come Santa doesn't go to church? Doesn't he believe in Jesus?

5. Santa shouldn't be allowed to give gifts to middle-class Americans. It cheers them up.

6. Santa looks really old. How long has he been on Medicare?

7. Is Santa a terrorist? He brings goods into the U.S. and never passes through security. How do we know what's in those packages? Could be a dirty bomb. People leave notes for him. How do we know what's in those notes? And where does he get all the money?

8. John Bolton says we should invade the North Pole. God knows what they have hidden up there. Yellow cake? WMDs? Polar bears in explosive vests?

9. Is Santa aware that Americans are within their rights to shoot him on sight because he's an intruder? Very clever, coming in through the chimney. Ho ho ho. In Florida, they can shoot him for no reason at all.

10. What's with the red outfit? Is Santa a Communist like Obama?

11. After all these years of giving away free stuff, Santa must have a huge deficit. He needs to cut the budget. Paul Ryan thinks coal for poor people would be a good start.

12. Why don't embryos get presents? They're people, too.

13. In the interests of national security, the Air Force should spend a trillion dollars on a new fighter jet that can shoot down sleighs.

14. Santa brings gifts to Democrats. Is that a violation of federal election laws? We might have to redistrict.

15. Santa doesn't bring presents to Jews. We love Jews. Especially when we're campaigning in Florida.

16. Is there some way we can tax the poor when they get Christmas gifts?

17. We should limit the number of days that minority kids can stand in line to sit on Santa's lap.

18. Santa needs to fire the reindeer and motorize his sleigh. He's not polluting the atmosphere enough. Does he believe in the global warming hoax?

19. Technically, Santa is an illegal alien. Does he even have a green card? If he doesn't, he should be arrested by the INS and deported the next time he sets foot on US soil. Jan Brewer would have a field day with this guy.

20. Are the elves gay? They sure look gay.