02/10/2012 10:07 am ET Updated Apr 11, 2012

Yesterday I Was Just a Sperm Cell. Now I'm a Person!

God, I love President Santorum. Thanks to him, I'm a person now! I mean, embryos have got to be people, right? And six months ago, Congress declared that ova are people. So it's only fair. I mean, I'm half the equation, right?

Free at last! Free at last!

Since I'm a person now, I've decided to call myself Vincent. I've always liked that name. A few of my sperm friends have started playing poker every Friday night. Sometimes we go bowling. I'm not that great at it, but an amoeba friend of mine named Bob is giving me some pointers.

It's good to be a person!

Since the pro-lifers came up with this awesome personhood idea, I've been dating an ovum named Emily. She's a babe. We like to sit by the fireplace at night and drink brandy, or take walks on the beach at sunset (we met on Obviously, we can't have sex because that would form an embryo, which is a no-no, but we can do... um... everything else.

We'd like to get married one day, but we can't decide where to live. She says the ovaries are cozy, but I like the gonads better. Cheaper housing. Besides, gonads are kind of my hometown and I have a lot of friends there. Maybe one day we could move to a more upscale neighborhood like the prostate, but it's not that stable there. I'm sure we'll figure it out.

Too bad we can't have kids.

Unfortunately, we sperm cells don't have much of a life span, so I'm keeping an eye on my cholesterol and jogging twice a week up and down the Fallopian Highway.

Legally, since I'm a person now, I can even vote. Can you imagine? But, since the economy sucks, I don't have a job, so I'm kind of poor and the Republicans have made it sort of difficult for us poor people to vote. My minority sperm pals have the same problem, as do some of the older members of the sperm community. That sucks.

Also, some of my sperm buddies are gay, but the Republicans won't let them get married. That sucks too.

One day, I'd like to meet a corporation since they're people now too just like me (thanks Supreme Court!), so we'd have a lot in common. I hear Citicorp is very nice, but a little sleazy. I think I'd get along pretty well with Exxon-Mobil or Chevron or General Electric. But they're all rich people, so they're kind of out of my league right now.

Maybe one day I'll get rich too. In fact, I'm pretty sure I will, and when I do, I certainly don't want to pay a lot of taxes. Taxes are evil. Go Republicans! You rock.

One of the things I don't like about being a person is that now I can be drafted and go to war. I don't really get that. I mean, the pro-lifers are crazy about fetuses (and now sperm cells and ova too, yay!), but once you're an adult, they don't really give a damn if you get killed in a war or executed in prison.

What's up with that?

Anyway, so far I have no complaints. Well, maybe a few. Mail delivery is kind of slow and the cable guy never shows up on time.

But I can live with that.