05/05/2011 04:55 pm ET Updated Apr 30, 2012

Al Qaeda Memo Re: Women as Human Shields

To: All Staff
From: Ahmed Zakir, VP of PR, Al Qaeda
Re: Human Shields/Women

I thought we had covered this during last years retreat at Six Flags, but I guess some of you didn't "get the memo," so here it is again (forgive the pun -- we all grieve in our own way). To clarify once and for all, when it comes to the use of human shields, our official company policy says YES, you can use them, but please, NO women. The interns will be delivering a supplement to the employee handbook -- add it to yours (I already three-hole-punched them -- you're welcome).

As I'm sure you're all aware, a story was circulating that our outgoing president decided to use his wife (number six, I believe) as a human shield. Look, I wasn't there (as far as you know), and while that certainly sounds like O-Lad, even the "Blight House" (is this funny? -- somebody tweet it and see if the Madrasah kids pick up on it) denies the story. Unfortunately, that hasn't kept my phone from ringing. Christiane Amanpour's office has left three messages, and somehow Rachel Maddow got my cell number (is it just me or is there something hot about her?). People, this is exactly what I DON'T need. I'm still shorthanded since Kamar left for that gig at Goldman Sachs, and thanks to this week's little stunt at The Compound, my assistant is now chatting up 72 virgins. (For those of you who knew Jamal, you know that was the ONLY way he was going to see any action -- what a dweeb!) But seriously, it's not like I have a lot of spare time -- the Facebook page won't update itself!

So while none of you have used a woman as a human shield -- even your wife -- I know you've all thought about it. Trust me, some days it would take a lot less than a hail of M4 gunfire from a lightning strike Navy Seal attack team to say goodbye to my Sirah (like when she runs the vacuum during "Mob Wives," am I right? LMAO!). But even though I haven't sacrificed her life to save mine (yet), she can't keep from flapping her lips about this! At least I think she's flapping her lips -- I can't be sure as, I haven't seen anything below her eyelids since our wedding day in 1992. Anyway, I hope this clears up any questions you may have had. If you really have to use a human shield, try to use one another -- that's what we're here for!

On a lighter note, our Cinco de Mayo party is still on (sponsored by Patron-shhh... I won't tell Allah if you won't!), so be sure to stop by El Sombrero after work on Thursday. Just go down past Abdul's flock of goats, turn left, and it's the 3rd cave on the left (with the neon sombrero -- duh!).

Holy Ole'!