05/11/2011 04:34 pm ET Updated Jul 11, 2011

Last Gasp: Q&A With Osama bin Laden

JB: Osama...Osama bin Laden--is that you?

OBL: Yes, yes it is--who is this?

JB: It's me, John Bobey.

OBL: John Bobey--are you a powerful Imam working through the great Allah to speak to me in the afterlife?

JB: Not exactly. I just set up my new Roku, and when I turned it on, there you were. I was all set to watch "Let The Right One In".

OBL: The Swedish vampire movie? What a stirring meditation on alienation and acceptance.

JB: You saw it--I thought you never left your compound and lived without the Internet?

OBL: All true, but I had a Netflix account under the name Osama bin Smith. I'd mail DVDs back and have new ones in two days. How do they do it!

JB: Yeah, they're amazing. I'm surprised that you speak English so fluently--have you always?

OBL: No, but I finally had to learn--I never got "How I Met Your Mother," but it turns out it was the translation. In English it's hysterical! Tell me, have they revealed yet who is the mother?

JB: No, not yet.

OBL: I have a bet with Musharraf--I say it's Allyson Hannigan.

JB: Well, we'll have to wait and see. Since we're somehow connected, would you mind if I asked you a few questions?

OBL: Go ahead, shoot. OK, poor choice of words. What would you like to know?

JB: For starters, where are you?

OBL: I'm not exactly sure. From what I've been able to figure out, this is some sort of rest stop. Basically, there's this huge line that gets divided into smaller lines, depending on your religion. They process you one at a time, alternating between faiths.

JB: It sounds a lot like the checkout system at Whole Foods.

OBL: Actually, it's exactly like Whole Foods. There's even a Jamba Juice. I'm totally addicted to the Five Fruit Frenzy!

JB: Be careful--they're deceptively high in calories.

OBL: It's not exactly like I'm trying to get in shape for swimsuit season, you know?

JB: Good point. So you're stuck in some sort of bureaucratic purgatory--does that mean you haven't gotten to enjoy your 72 virgins?

OBL: Not yet. So far, the only action I've seen was with this fat old lady who kind of looked like Elizabeth Taylor.

JB: That was Elizabeth Taylor--she died in March!

OBL: Really? You'll have to forgive me--when you're an international fugitive, it's hard to keep up with People magazine. Plus, I do have a slug in my eye from a SIG Sauer P226.

JB: Oh my. Isn't she in one of those motorized wheelchairs?

OBL: Let's just say I was a lil' rascal on her Lil' Rascal!

JB: That line may be your most loathsome act yet.

OBL: Lighten up. After all, you're getting a rare chance to speak with the infamous Osama bin Laden. This interview will make you famous!

JB: I doubt it--you're quickly becoming as relevant as Jared from Subway. You're five minutes from being the lambada of criminals.

OBL Really? Isn't al Qaeda keeping my name and legacy alive?

JB: I hate to break it to you, but these days your al Qaeda seems less organized than a fantasy baseball league.

OBL: What a shame--it used to be that you'd find guys who'd give their lives to be a part of al Qaeda--literally! Hey, while we're on the subject, how can so many American men spend hours "playing" fantasy sports and yet not kill themselves due to the shame? My friends and I may be religious zealots hell bent on bringing about the end of days, but even we have limits.

JB: I never got it either. Looking back, considering that you did brainwash men to be suicide bombers and you oppressed women through your medieval sensibility, do you have any regrets?

OBL: No, not for any of that stuff. But I do have one regret--I never got to see Bruce live. But I just couldn't since he's a Jew.

JB: I hate to tell you, but he's not Jewish. It's spelled s-t-e-e-n, not s-t-e-i-n.

OBL: Ohforcrissakes. That one hurts--I had 9th row center at the Garden for the "Working on a Dream" tour!

JB Live and learn...I mean, so to speak. Look, I don't want to be rude, but I really do want to watch that vampire movie, plus, you know, I hate you. Any parting thoughts?

OBL: Well, there's the usual blah, blah, blah, death to the infidels and all that. But really, I'd just like to remind everybody to learn from me and live every day as though it were your last...before Seal Team Six infiltrates your windowless house, steals your new MacBook Air, shoots you, and then commits your body to a watery grave.

JB: Not exactly universal, but I get your point.

OBL: It's mostly for al Zawahiri. OK, later--I'm going to see if Liz is up for another round of "Who's Afraid of Obama...I mean Osama Woolf."

JB: You're doing that too?

OBL: Totally.