01/18/2013 06:58 pm ET Updated Mar 20, 2013

Gun Ownership Intelligence Test

Of course there should be an intelligence test given to anyone who is going to own something as dangerous as a gun. We obviously don't want them falling into the hands of rabid or psychotic people, but those who are intelligence-challenged shouldn't have firepower at their disposal either (look what happened when George W. had control of the military).

Anyone who believes the following should be kept at least five feet from a gun and never be allowed to handle one:

Obama is a socialist.

Charles Krauthammer doesn't sleep during the daytime in a coffin.

Evolution is just a scientific theory disproved by the Bible, because everyone knows the world was made in six days so God could go to church on Sunday to sing hymns.

Gun control means the ability to hit your target.

When the Second Amendment refers to militias, it's talking about the NRA.

Michele Bachmann is not on a witch hunt, but a Muslim hunt, or why else would she need to be packing a Wiccan handbook and crucifix in her purse?

Guantanamo is a Cuban night club Obama promised to close, but has allowed to stay open because he likes Ricky Ricardo music. He makes patrons there do the Limbo dance.

Obama is a Nazi.

Guns don't kill people (willingly), people force them to.

The Second Amendment gives Americans the right to bear arms against their own government.

Rush Limbaugh provides the real news.

A woman doesn't get pregnant from rape because her body uncannily knows what's occurred and reacts by her uterus growing a very large feminist complex that will overcome any future obstacle that is thrust into her life.

EPA stands for Environmental Propaganda Agency.

Obama is a Muslim.

Teachers should be armed.

Robert E. Lee was a Freedom Fighter and a good example of utilizing the Second Amendment.

Global warming is not caused by burning fossil fuels. This is a government hoax. The planet is getting warmer because God is getting angry at us for taking prayer out of our schools.

Harry Reid should go @#$% himself.

Corporations have the right to own guns and form militias (to be taken up by a future Supreme Court).

If you shoot someone in the face while hunting, you're qualified to be vice president.

UN Ambassador, Susan Rice, caused the attack on our embassy in Benghazi (wherever that is).

"You won't get my gun unless you pry it from my cold, dead hands!" was the battle cry of Lexington and Concord.

Obama is a Nigerian.

The right to own a gun is one of the Ten Commandments in the Bible.

The bleeding-heart sissies who want gun control are liberals who read the Huffington Post. The first step in their government take-over of America, which would force us into communist slave collectives, is to take away our guns.

Freedom of religion means choosing between Methodist, Baptist, Evangelical, Catholic and "Lutheren." And atheism is not a religion.

When you hear "Habla Espanol" you punch #2 and scream into the phone "Si habla up-your-ass, you illegal Mexican!"

Solyndra was a subsidiary of ACORN, who's defrauding of tax payers, was uncovered by investigative journalists at Fox News.

"Soylent Green" is the future if they take our guns.

Facebook is run by the government so it can monitor you. Why do you think it can operate though it doesn't make a profit?

You don't "cling to your guns and religion and antipathy to people who are not like you" because you are bitter -- it's patriotic.

A fence should be built along the border with Canada and all Liberals should self-deport there.

Young men wear hoodies to look menacing, conceal weapons and drugs, and keep the sun off their Twilight vampire flesh.

If the 12.5 million illegal immigrants were sent back to Mexico, we wouldn't have an unemployment problem -- there'd be plenty of openings in the professions of grape picking, dish washing and burrito making.

Happiness is a warm gun.

Obama is gay.

There should be locks on firearms that require some working knowledge of the universe and acceptance of "facts" to operate them. Gun violence could be stopped, inevitably, if we took Justice Scalia and his buddies up on their strict reading of the Constitution and let Americans have all the guns they want, but no bullets. They are only implied, but not specifically stated in the Constitution as having a right to possess. After all, bullets kill people. If we stopped the manufacture of bullets as a hazard to public safety, that would ultimately stop the 300 million guns currently owned in America from being lethal. Make only shotgun shells for hunting and stop making bullets except for the police and Armed Forces.

But of course, let gun owners have blanks, so they can fire off their automatic weapons and feel just like real men.