02/19/2013 06:02 pm ET Updated Apr 21, 2013

NRA: National Rifle Addiction

The need to own a gun to defend oneself against an intruder is as natural for an American as enjoying a good Clint Eastwood vigilante movie. But the possession of military grade weapons to defend oneself against a much larger threat -- such as the government -- has only recently become popular.

The government has confiscated Big Gulp sodas in New York restaurants and has set up satellites to orbit the planet and beam down elitist PBS programs into every living room -- including broadcasts of that radical Big Bird. These acts are seen by assault gun advocates as the over-reaching hand of Big Brother and a harbinger of more heinous acts to follow such as herding citizens into slave collectives and prohibiting the drinking of beer.

In view of the fact that such "threats" have never materialized, nor has the slightest shred of evidence been found that Obama is an alien replicant born out of a body snatcher seed pod from Martian invaders -- granted he does have rather large and bat-like ears, but that is not exactly evidence -- this need to own such guns must be seen in an objective and rational light.

The fear of imminent attack is an anxiety that many Americans suffer. By who or what has become immaterial as the fear latches onto any reason. They have succumbed to paranoia, like looking in their rear-view mirror and seeing a police car -- the KGB Nazi police.

They particularly have the sense that the government is going to take away one of their most cherished freedoms: the one in the Constitution to shoot and kill things; animals, burglars, neighbors, family, themselves. This preys on their minds. The comfort of clutching, loading and firing guns alleviates this anxiety and leads to a serious neurosis: National Rifle Addiction. It is widespread and affects all walks of life.

It begins with the purchase of one small handgun (for some it is a BB gun while a child), a Beretta perhaps, or a hunting rifle like a 20-gauge shotgun. These are gateway guns and should be taken seriously. The mastering of these simple guns, though adequate for the task of defending oneself and family, develops an appetite, a thirst, a craving for more and more firepower. The mind becomes compromised and slides down the slippery slope of addiction: feeding more and more excuses to justify more and more guns, bigger guns, bigger clips, bigger bullets.

Their anxiety clouds common sense and rationality until finally it twists the rational mind to work for it: the descent into conspiracy theories to feed the gun habit becomes complete when someone is easily convinced that Obama is placing alien socialist seed pods in our schools, offices, and churches.

Addiction causes extreme and worrisome behavior: one man in Kentucky had his rifle baptized by his preacher; another vowed violent revolution while foaming at the mouth in front of TV cameras when confronted with the prospect of Piers Morgan Pacifism.

Extreme cases end up as Reba McEntire and Michael Gross as the survivalist Gummers in the movie Tremors with an incredible arsenal capable of taking out a monstrous Graboid burrowing worm (obviously a creation from the government NIH experiments on humans with LSD) as it smashes through their basement wall. But the chances of this actually happening to an American are as slim as tripping over a terrorist at an airport.

Recently, a public figure with a serious addiction habit suggested that elementary school teachers should holster a loaded gun. To him, and other addicts, this sounded perfectly rational. To a crack addict, placing cocaine vending machines in schools also sounds like a good idea. Both are doing what their "monkey" commands.

The paranoia of an imminent threat and the certainty that Washington is awash in alien seed pod replicants posing as patriotic politicians feeds their addiction, and their addiction feeds their excuses of being threatened: universal healthcare, Canadians, IRS, Joe Biden are lurking around the corner ready to pounce. 9/11 was staged by the government as was the Newtown massacre.

They find support and get called to action from radio talk shows. These are the source of NRA sufferers' delusions that keeps them on the edge of their seats, waiting vigilantly for the alarm of invasion -- one if by land, two if by sea. One show uncovered female covert law students who turned out to really be prostitutes working with the government to mooch contraceptives off the "system." This led to a lot of guns being fired off into the sky.

These people do not recognize they are ill. They cannot be approached directly (the first thing they'll grab is their gun). They will not believe the government is not out to get them; that democracy has the built-in ability to remove dangerous politicians by the process of voting; that it's kept oppressive-free by a system of checks and balances.

They dare the government to come for them, as if their guns would be more than candy canes facing the drones, nuclear missiles and laser beams the government has at its disposal.

Treatments need to be developed. But until then, they must be made to realize that in their current manic condition they do not pass the sanity test for owning a firearm. People who suffer from paranoid delusions that the government is run by evil alien-Nazi-socialists, who are controlled by NRA, and who are unable to face the fact that Obama won the presidency fair and square are not emotionally stable enough to possess guns and should be relieved of them. They suffer National Rifle Addiction and need treatment.

They are loaded guns with their safeties off.