THE BLOG
05/11/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

To Date Republican or Democrat

I've been single for awhile and though I seem to lack the dating gene, I don't like myself that much where I'm willing to spend the rest of my life in my own company, especially with a limited wardrobe. So I keep trying experimental stuff like smiling and saying hello instead of burying my face in a woolen hat and sneezing. But on those days where I actually contract a date, I've noticed a remarkable difference between going out with a Democrat and Republican.

The most difficult part is getting a Republican of any sort not to say "no," even before you ask them any question. If somehow you can persuade them into thinking by going out with you you're bailing out her father on Wall Street, then you may get a "yes." If you're able to get an actual date, the Republican will only settle for going to an upscale establishment that only accepts credit cards with extremely high interest rates, while the Democrat will actually give you a choice in the matter and might even consider bringing a dish.

Once on the date the Republican will constantly be judging you, not only by the choice of red meat you select, but how rare you prefer it and how many hormones and artificial additives you are willing to ingest for her, but also they expect you to refuse to eat if served by someone they suspect to be an illegal alien or doesn't have a crucifix dangling from his or her neck. Heaven forbid, they have a loud watch and ticking is heard, your date (probably an NRA member) will most likely be packing a weapon and your waiter will be out of a life. The Democrat on the other hand would be willing to go to a food coalition buffet or order takeout from Chernobyl as long as the packaging is recycled.

I once went to an all you can eat restaurant with a Republican but that was only because she thought that the sign should be interpreted as all she can eat, and the rest be tossed in plastic non bio degradable garbage bags. The dinner conversation with a Democrat might range from personal stories to global warming, healthcare etc. With the Republican it is usually about how everything in the world should belong to her, while talking on her cell phone, and pointing at imperfections in your sports jacket.

At the end of the dinner the Democrat might even offer to pay half or at least leave a decent tip. The Republican on the other hand will expect you to buy the most expensive wine, at least one bottle, will eat only a mouthful of food, while watching the rest rot on her plate, and then expecting you to pay the entire bill, leave exactly a 15 percent tip, on your card, or in small demeaning coins.

The Democrat even if there isn't any chemistry will allow you to take her home and at least give you a hand shake. The Republican woman will insist you drive her to the door, opening it for her (even if you're in a car crash and need the jaws of life to get out), and then let you shake hands with her door man while she takes the elevator.

Okay all of this is an exaggeration, but the truth is you may meet and have the greatest time with a Democrat or Republican but I can't see myself spending my days with someone who thinks that global warming is a myth (thus rationalizing killing bears for her fur coat), Jesus was for profits instead of being a prophet, and that dying from curable disease is collateral damage from only being middle class.

P.S. I've never been great at using those dating sights where they find you some one that has similar traits. It cost me a fortune to find out that I have twin sister. So I set up my own fun dating site where I'm the only guy a girl can date. Check out www.datedebellis.com or follow it on Twitter.