09/20/2013 11:48 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2016

God Hates Gays Who Own Chandeliers? The Folks at Ivory & Deene Seem to Think So


Something tells me that God loves a good chandelier. After all, they are grandiose and self-righteous in a way that only a person with great power and questionable taste could truly appreciate. And the folks over at Ivory & Deene home furnishings completely concur.

To them, a chandelier is a holy object ordained by God to illuminate the rooms of only those who seek His approval and judgment. Consequently, homosexuals certainly aren't fit to hang such a blessed and holy fixture in a stage production where faggotry and fabulousness are main themes.

As we prepare to open our production of God Hates This Show: Shirley Phelps-Roper in Concert Live From Hell in New York City next month, we've been on the prowl for set dressings and items befitting a cabaret room located in the pits of Hell -- the setting of our play, which imagines the Westboro Baptist Church and Shirley Phelps-Roper having been damned to the underworld for all eternity.

It seemed that an elaborate (read: gaudy) chandelier, preferably red in color, should hang dramatically over the live rock band that is part of the show. Our hunt led us to the lovely, Christian businesspeople at Ivory & Deene. Impressed by the ornate lighting fixtures and reasonable prices, we decided to contact the management to see if we could negotiate a discounted price, as our theater company is a nonprofit with a very limited budget. What did we have to lose? We thought that the worst thing they could say was "no," but it turns out that that's not the worst thing they could say. Here's what they did say to our producer Will:

We are sorry we will not support your production because we are Christians and we believe the first marriage God instigated was between and [sic] man and a woman and when he created them he said "very good", not just "good" like He did with the rest of creation, but "very good".

Mankind has moved so far from the way God intended us to live, we must return to God's way of living, it is the best way and the blessed way, hope you can understand.

Kind regards, Ruby

Punctuation, spelling, and grammar aside, Ruby obviously intended to make an example of us by denying us an item that surely only a homosexual would dream of purchasing anyway. (If you saw the chandelier, you'd understand.) She seemed intent on reaffirming her archaic and unfounded belief system by misquoting the Bible. (God did not say "very good" when he created man and woman. Look it up.) And rather than simply declining our request, as so many companies we have sought sponsorship from have, Ruby decided to do the least Christian thing she could think of: directly and personally judge and shame strangers. She may not have called us "faggots," but she might as well have.

I worry about Ruby. She seems to be oblivious to the fact that a great deal of her clientele are most likely queer. I mean, come on. Girl is selling amazing satin sheets. Whether she knows it or not, Ruby is singlehandedly contributing to the decoration of bedrooms where abominations unimaginable occur. We're screwing on your sheet sets, Ruby. And in a way, a little part of you is screwing right along with us. Just thought you'd like to know. You're gay by association. Find a shower. Quick.

The truth is, Ruby can't be naïve enough to think that she has never sold a product to a gay person. But the anonymity of the marketplace and the exchange of money for goods is all it takes for Ruby and Ivory & Deene to turn their heads the other way. Only when directly presented with the truth do they suddenly take issue.

Perhaps we'll directly and anonymously purchase the chandelier from Ruby and hang it proudly on our set. I also have a full page of ad space that I don't know what to do with. Maybe this:

The chandelier in tonight's performance comes from Ivory & Deene's collection of exquisite heteronormative lighting. To find out if you yourself are fit to own these fine straight-people products, ask yourself this: "Do I like gay sex?"

This question might also help you determine whether or not you'll dig our show. Hope to see you there. There will be chandeliers.

God Hates This Show: Shirley Phelps-Roper in Concert Live From Hell runs Oct. 16-20 at HERE in New York City. For more information, visit