THE BLOG
11/30/2014 10:23 pm ET Updated Jan 30, 2015

A Bachelor's Life for Me

Got a great place but with no one to share,
Two beds and two baths but no one is there,
What's in my fridge? Iced tea and cold air,
A bachelor's life for me.

Traditional holidays? Got 'em all beat,
My Thanksgiving bird is my dumb parakeet,
Christmas card? That's from my landlord Amit,
A bachelor's life for me.

Going to parties all night and all season,
Walking outside in my shorts when it's freezing,
Guess I'll take care of myself when I'm sneezing,
A bachelor's life for me.

Weekends are starting to all seem the same,
No wife around so I watch every game,
Buffalo Wild Wings knows me by name,
A bachelor's life for me.

Tossing an empty can into the sink,
Avoiding the shower 'til I start to stink.
No woman will put up with that -- do ya think?
A bachelor's life for me.

My clothes are all over, can't see where the floor is,
Don't like it? Well lady, you know where the door is,
Now quiet! I'm watching Bruce Lee fight Chuck Norris,
A bachelor's life for me.

Home improvement? You kidding? Don't even own pliers,
I call Triple A when I need to change tires,
Home Depot has even stopped sending me flyers,
A bachelor's life for me.

The bathroom is covered with Fruit of the Loom,
When my toes start feeling the dirt I vacuum,
Pandora is playing to all empty rooms,
A bachelor's life for me.

Wash dishes at least once a month on my own,
A paperweight gets more calls than my phone.
"Mom, I'm not gay, I just live alone!"
A bachelor's life for me.

Hanging a picture of me on the wall,
Seat up? Seat down? How 'bout no seat at all!
I'm a cat lady with no cats and balls,
A bachelor's life for me.

To rationalize loneliness is my fate,
If I don't fall in love I won't land in hate.
Tell me again what you do on a date?
A bachelor's life for me.

I'm sure I can find a great girl if I look,
I'll learn how to dance, parasail and cook.
Nah, I'll light a cigar and log onto Facebook,
A bachelor's life for me.