THE BLOG
10/15/2014 10:00 am ET Updated Dec 15, 2014

A People's Holiday of the United States

THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Tuesday, October 14, 2014

WASHINGTON -- President Obama today thanked the American people for "standing up to oppression" by protesting the Columbus Day holiday. He vowed to take aggressive action to "right the wrongs of our current outmoded holiday calendar" as we "embark on a new era of fairness and equality."

The President has targeted the following holidays for reform and/or elimination:

New Year's Day: Sadly, this holiday disparages multiculturalism by singling out a Eurocentric calendar to measure the passage of time.

Presidents' Day: Disturbingly, this holiday celebrates such dubious historical figures as George Washington, a slaveowner, and Abraham Lincoln, an admitted white supremacist.

Valentine's Day: Patronizingly, this holiday advances a heteronormative worldview that is out of touch in a nation finally beginning to recognize the rights of the LGBTQ communities.

Easter: Alarmingly, this holiday promotes an outdated theory of regeneration that flies in the face of settled science. It also induces young people to eat sweets, a major cause of the childhood obesity epidemic.

Memorial Day: Concerningly, this holiday fails to distinguish between illegal hegemonic military crusades such as the Vietnam War and Iraq War and morally justifiable conflicts such as -- uh -- if we see one, we'll let you know.

Flag Day: Troublingly, this holiday whitewashes the fact that Betsy Ross was paid only 78 cents to the dollar of her male counterparts.

Fourth of July: Disappointingly, this holiday pushes mindless ethnocentrism over the true patriotism of progressive dissent.

Columbus Day: Arrogantly, this holiday venerates the life of a white European conquistador who brought genocide, slavery and disease to North America, taking the lives of millions of indigenous persons, including women and children.

Veterans Day: Reprehensibly, this holiday endorses the actions of all military veterans, including Tim McVeigh and George H.W. Bush.

Thanksgiving: See Columbus Day.

Christmas: Tragically, this holiday imposes a Christian-centric worldview on the American people, shaming even atheists, agnostics and secular humanists into wrapping presents.

President Obama pledged to "streamline the holiday calendar" by signing an Executive Order recognizing only the following:

  • Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday
  • Earth Day
  • Juneteenth
  • Labor Day
  • Hanukkah
  • Kwanzaa
  • Winter "Holiday"

"All federal workers," the President added, "will of course continue to get the same number of days off."