THE BLOG
11/12/2014 05:28 pm ET Updated Jan 12, 2015

Eat, Weigh, Love: Reaching Your Fat Milestone

Congratulate me! Got on the scale this morning and I'm down 150.

Actually, I accidentally hit that little button that converts pounds to
kilograms. (How great is the metric system? I might move to Canada.)

I don't want to be overweight. But I get it. You've got to eat less and
exercise. And that goes against my philosophy. I believe in living every day
like it's the last day of my life. And who's going to exercise on the last day
of their life?

I'm aware that when I walk into a gym, they think I'm there to change the light
bulbs. Back in the day I worked out religiously. Three miles on the treadmill,
followed by three sets/15 reps of shoulder presses, flys and curls, then 45
crunches. My 5K time was 30 minutes. Hey, I was living in California; it's the
law.

It's true what they say about workouts: if you miss two weeks, you feel like
crap. Miss two years? You feel great!

My sedentary lifestyle presents certain problems. Vampires avoid mirrors less
than I do. That's why Big and Tall clothing stores don't have any. All they have
is a portly salesman with a mile-long tape measure who says encouraging things
like, "That shirt billows nicely on you, sir."

They also sell their own cologne: Obesity for Men. Comes in pumpkin spice and
fried chicken.

Another problem is the scale itself. It's possible to get too big for household
scales. Then you stop weighing yourself. The less you weigh yourself the more
you'll weigh. It's a vicious circle. Or vicious pear shape, if you prefer.

But there are certain Fat Milestones you can observe that will tell you when
it's time to trade your Cheesecake Factory gift card for a pedometer.

With holiday eating season upon us, it's a good time to reveal those Fat
Milestones.

  • Is there more elastic in your pants than in your underwear? Fat Milestone.
  • Does "tighty whitey" describe your button-down shirts?
  • Do you sit down to vacuum?
  • Has Little Debbie asked you to "like" her on Facebook?
  • Has a waitress ever asked if you wanted a refill -- while pointing to your plate?
  • Have you ever stubbed your toe because you didn't know where it was?
  • Are you training for the mall?
  • Are you sore the next day after darts?
  • Do you believe the four food groups should be Crunchy, Creamy, Salty and Chocolate?
  • Do you buy stuffed-crust breakfast cereal?
  • Have you ever eaten a "fudge kabob"? Peanut butter, vanilla, chocolate, peanut butter, vanilla, chocolate....
  • Do you believe the person who invented the movable movie-theater armrest deserves a Nobel Prize?
  • Do you refuse to pick up pennies in the street because you'd have to bend over? How about a quarter? A silver dollar? Each denomination is another Fat Milestone.
  • Have your relaxed-fit jeans run out of relax?
  • Have you ever gotten ketchup on your shirt before 9 a.m.?
  • If you're naked, can people tell?
  • Do you eat pot brownies for the brownie?
  • Do you keep a spare fork and spoon in your glove compartment?
  • Were you ever refused a lap dance because, well, you need a lap?
  • Can you no longer shop at Forever 21? Do you now shop at Forever 210?
  • Does your doctor recommend lap "orchestra" surgery?
  • Can you lose 200 pounds and still be alive?
So many Fat Milestones. If you've reached any of these, I feel for you. But take heart. In America, 400 is the new 300.

Happy and healthy holidays.