A short story inspired by all the broken-English Spam that my blog has received over the last few months:
Janice crumbled up her Starbuck's cup and tossed it disgustedly into the garbage can. She hated the thought of one more blind date and given her run of luck, why would this guy be any different? She really wanted a cigarette right now but she had quit five months ago and wasn't going back. She dug into her pocket and read her date's instructions again: "Dine in the park for all to see, enjoy the new appear, 4:20 p.m.?" Good Lord, he must speak English as a third language. She shook her head, am I really 36? Going on a blind date with a guy that can't string a coherent sentence together, could life get any more dreary? She looked around and noticed a handsome, well-dressed gentleman, drinking a Fresca. He had tightly-wound jet black hair, day old stubble and sparkling green eyes. He too, was looking around for someone. He had a chess board in front of him, and all the pieces were in place but perhaps this was her guy. She walked up to him, took a deep breath and smiled.
"Hi! I'm Janice. And you are..."
"Hi there, I came across this board and am finding it truly helpful."
Janice furrowed her brow. "Um, well that's very nice. May I sit down? I brought us an afternoon picnic from Fairway Market."
"Thank you for being so good at giving information."
"Oh, you're very welcome, and your name is?"
"Musica, Musica Gratis. I am offering freedebtcollection dot com."
"OK Musica, that's a very interesting name, well, um, I'm Janice, I'm a writer and blogger so that's interesting; we both work on the internet. Do you own this service, this debt collection thing, or do you work there?" He had a slight gravel note to his husky voice which really complemented his luxurious, Ambassador to Luxembourg good looks.
"Well my business, in addition to visiting your website daily is smokeless cigarette, happens to be an electrical piece of equipment in which models the act of tobacco smoking from building some sort of breathed mist with any bricks-and-mortar sexual enjoyment, look and feel, and they sometimes the flavour and nicotine articles and other content connected with breathed cigarettes yet with no smell connected with cigarettes."
"My, that is so very interesting." Janice wasn't kidding, she had a hell of a time trying to stop smoking and anyone that was trying to make this easier was someone she should know. She laid out the cheese, some Melba toast, a few slices of smoked turkey and opened a bottle of Tavel. She crossed her legs and took a bite of Brie.
"It's so beautiful today, I love being outside on such a sunny day. Care for some Brie?"
"Thanks for the share."
"Oh you're very welcome Musica. Hey did you ever wonder if Melba toast is named after Melba Moore?"
"I have a presentation next week, and I'm on the search for such info."
"So you like Melba Moore or Melba toast?"
"It's like you learn my thoughts, you seem to grasp so much approximately this!"
Janice laughed and looked away.
"Well I was voted class clown in high school, besides, we all know Melba Moore wasn't in the cracker business, right? So tell me how long have you been doing this line of work?"
"Here's a tip to lose weight, have you tried Brussel's sprouts from Brussels?"
Janice rolled her eyes and groaned, fought to control her temper then stabbed her forefinger at Musica.
"Now listen here stud, just because you're pulling off this sexy, former Soviet satellite republic GQ look, doesn't give you the right to tell me that I need to lose weight. And just for your information, I tip the scales at one twelve, buster and can crush a stair-master for a solid 45 minutes. Can you top that?"
"You're not going to believe this but I have spent many days looking for your content. It was an excellent read though and definitely aided me out."
She exhaled, this guy was so damn cute, she couldn't help herself. She relaxed and smiled then picked up a strawberry. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you, strawberry? They're organic, locally grown and sustainably raised."
He accepted the fruit, eyed it carefully, took a small bite and nodded approvingly.
"This has to be the best, just keep updating, it's lovely worth sufficient for me."
"You bet I will. You know Musica, you really know how to talk to a woman."
"We get one body, one mind and one soul and it's up to us to use it wisely and exercise it daily."
Janice sighed then looked longingly at him. "Oh Musica,that is so very true, I couldn't agree more. Have you always been a philosopher?"
"I surprise how a lot effort you set to make the sort of fantastic informative site."
"My site, you really like my blog?" She giggled nervously then ran her hand through her hair.
"Oh well, it's nothing really, it's just something to keep me from watching the Real Housewives of Dubuque. I did win an award from Big City Bloggers.com for my essay on the importance on pillow case selection, though so thank you very much, glad you enjoyed it."
"You said it right, thanks for all the relationship information"
"Oh you're so very welcome. So tell me, what other interests do you have? Do you work out? You like the theatre?"
"I have the best prices for Xanax, Levitra, Cialis and Viagra."
Janice blushed, then smiled mischievously.
"Oh, Viagra and Cialis? Musica, you really do know how to talk to a girl, don't you, shall we adjourn to your place?"
"I always share my posts with my friends."
"Oooh, kinky, grrrooowwwlll. I like that. Shall we?"
"Have a very fantastic one, in particular."
"Come on stud, let's get out of here!"