THE BLOG
03/27/2009 12:43 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

And The Oscar Goes To...Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk!

Scene: The Academy Awards, the Kodak Theater, 2011. Javier Bardem, 2008 winner, Best Supporting Actor, announces the 2011 Best Supporting Actor: Sean Penn for The Three Stooges, directed by the Farrelly Brothers. Penn strides to the podium.

Penn: Thank you. Thank you. You CHUCKLEHEAD, WEASEL-FACED SONS OF PORKYPINES.

I did not expect this REMIND ME TO KILL YOU LATER but I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE! I GOT MY EYES CLOSED.

Directors either grant us a voice WOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOO or they don't and the Farrelly Brothers did it right ANYTHING THE WRIGHT BROTHERS DO, THE WRONG BROTHERS CAN DO.

I put myself entirely in their HANDS. Whistling, he flutters his hand like a bird, smacks Javier Bardem twice in the face and klonks him on the head with the Oscar.

Finally, for those who were protesting as we drove in tonight WHY, YOU NUMBSKULLS! YOU HARDBOILED EGGHEADS! YOU HOT AIRDALES! MAYBE YOU SHOULD BUY A TOUPEE WITH BRAINS!

The orchestra starts playing "Three Blind Mice." OH, A WISEGUY, EH? YOU WON'T PLAY ME OFF, YOU HALF-BROTHER TO A WEASEL. He goes up to the conductor and tries to poke him in the eyes, but the conductor blocks the poke with his baton. Penn smacks the conductor in the chin, causing a chain reaction of knocked heads that goes through the orchestra, the audience, the city of Los Angeles and the state of California.

I'm very, very proud to live in this country that, for all its OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! creates such courageous chowderheads. In conclusion, despite a sensitivity that sometimes has brought enormous challenge, Sigmund, of the Sea Monsters, rises again and he is my brother. Thank you all very much.

Penn lies down on the floor and spins around and around like a clock, causing the show to miss its tribute to another biopic, Brian De Palma's Heckle & Jeckle.