01/28/2009 02:27 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

My Countries, 'Tis of Thee

I Pledge Allegiance to the Flag
Of the Divided States of America
And to the Red States and Blue States
For Which it Stands
Two Nations
One Under God
The Other Under Oprah
With Obesity and Sub-Prime Mortgage Crisis
For All.

As the polls clearly show, America has already decided who will best lead us: Obama AND McCain. As a people, we see ourselves as both a young black guy with no experience and an ancient white dude with no ideas.

This is because we are no longer one America, but two. Instead of futilely trying to unite the red states and blue states, we should divide ourselves into two smaller countries with their own president, army and HDTV--Redolania and Bluegoslavia.

In Redolania, citizens would spend their days not leaving Iraq and not getting an abortion in the case of rape or incest. There would be no global warming or evolution. The President would solve all problems, foreign and domestic, with Viet Nam anecdotes.

In Bluegoslavia, the chief activities would be raising taxes and performing gay marriages. The national pastime would be Change. The President would give a weekly "Rogue Nation Chat" and solve all problems by being inspiring and wearing a suit.

States that don't fit into the two countries would be absorbed into a "battleground" territory called Undecidia; there would also be several tiny, but dangerous settlements called Nadernia, Paulina and LaRoucheland.

Because candidates in each country would always be preaching to the converted, there would be no need for rousing but meaningless clichés like "shake up Washington," "no more business as usual" or "affordable healthcare."

Lincoln said a house divided against itself cannot stand. But the popular home renovation show Trading Spaces says two houses that are near each other--say, a red one and a blue one--can stand pretty well.

So let's start getting both our houses in order. Being separate won't solve everything--we'll both still be plagued by debt, drugs and Rachael Ray--but it's a start. The start of Americas, the Beautiful. Or as Dr. Seuss might have said, one country, two country, red country, blue country.