The vice presidency is America's longest running reality show, starring one contestant at a time, whose big task is to wait until the president is voted off or otherwise removed. The pressure has driven V.P.'s to do everything from cheat on their taxes (Spiro Agnew), agree to pardon a felon (Gerald Ford) or shoot someone (Aaron Burr, Dick Cheney).
The media likes to pretend that a candidate's choice of vice president is exciting, despite the fact that most Americans care more about who gets chosen on The Bachelor. To make a big impression, Obama and McCain should consider the following names:
McCain
Tori Spelling. A vice president is like a co-star: she must be attractive, but not so attractive that she overshadows the lead. Tori is dim, blond and wealthy; she could be the first female Dan Quayle. She just quit the new Beverly Hills 90210 and is available.
Obama
Michael Phelps. Brings much-needed medals to the ticket; appeals to 100% of swimmer demographic; could make the difference in key butterfly and backstroke states. Drawback: Daily intake of 12,000 calories promotes obesity.
McCain
Bigfoot. Reportedly as many as 700 of the seven-foot, hairy creatures have been spotted in Georgia. Picking a red state Bigfoot could sew up the nation's cryptozoological vote, as well as appeal to conservative voters with scalp and odor problems.
Obama
Dee, the Sarcastic Sister on What's Happening? Like the 1970's sitcom's Roj, Obama never fights his opponents, always taking the high road. For a running mate he needs a Dee, to say things like, "McCain, you're so old, even your liver spots have liver spots." Or, "Barack, if you don't get mad, you're gonna be a Rerun of Kerry."
McCain
Edward, the Vampire from the Twilight novels. As a sizzling hot vampire with a heart of gold, he will appeal to the 18-to-35 female demographic. As a member of the living undead, he will neutralize the age issue, as he is actually older than McCain.
Obama
Paul Giamatti. He brings HBO experience as John Adams, the country's first vice president (and first to get an Emmy nod); Sideways role will appeal to wine tasters; dad's baseball commissioner job will attract fans of both National and American Leagues.
McCain
Pineapple Express. Admittedly a gamble, picking a stoner movie as a running mate will bring new college voters, garner an endorsement in High Times (circulation: 206,000), and appeal to fans of Weeds.
Obama
Mayor McCheese. Greater name recognition than anyone being considered for Obama's running mate; the only member of McDonaldland to hold elected office; length of government service longer than either Obama or McCain. Drawback: Promotes obesity.