01/28/2009 02:27 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Republicane Gustav Heads for New Orleans

According to political meteorologists, Hurricane Gustav is expected to join the outflow of Republicans leaving St. Paul and flooding into New Orleans, upgrading the storm from a Category 2 hurricane to a Category 5 Republicane.

Full-blown GOP storm systems often combine 140 mile-per-hour winds with pro-life and pro-war currents that tend to miss the coasts, but ravage the center. Major Republicanes have included Watergate, Iran-Contra and Sen. Larry Craig.

Although not a Republican, Senator Joe Lieberman has been classified as a Category 6 Republicane.

The monsoon will hit from the right and will consist of the following elements:

Bushdensation. Condensed Republican vapor marked by high pressure and low approval. Experts believe it may attempt to go against its usual nature and "try to help."

Cheneye. The Cheneye of the storm "tells" the condensed vapor what to do; when left unchecked, can cause flooding rain, expensive gas and unpopular wars.

Mesoscale McCain Convection. Residents should be especially careful of this backward-moving air current, although it may actually prove to be more beneficial to New Orleans than Bushdensation.

Palin Updraft. Hot but minor, the Palin updraft should have little to no effect unless residents plan on getting an abortion during the storm. This updraft played a role in a recent Category 1 Republicane over the firing of an Alaskan state trooper.

Giulianiation. Perhaps the most insidious of all, this element from the East is expected to not only flood New Orleans, but talk about what it did for months and years afterward.