UNDISCLOSED LOCATION - The world's terrorists said they believe the new TSA search procedures are invasive and embarrassing, causing them to rethink plans to get on airplanes with explosives hidden in their genital and anal regions.
"I do not wish to be patted down in front of everyone," said one terrorist who declined to be named on the grounds that he is a terrorist. "And a full body scan would expose illegal items I have stored in my butt, which would be humiliating."
"For terrorism to succeed, we must have the element of surprise," said another terrorist, who wished to not be identified on the grounds that if he were, he could no longer be considered a terrorist. "A bomb or other explosive device strapped to my Mr. Happy is no longer surprising once you know it's there."
Terrorists said they preferred airports where they could smuggle weapons and bombs on their person to ones where they could not do so.
"We do much better if we can actually get dangerous materials on the plane," said a third terrorist, who thought about identifying himself but decided not to after the other ones didn't. "A terrorist with no weapons is not really a terrorist, but just another passenger with anger issues."
Terrorists are planning a Worldwide Opt-Out of Terrorism Day to show their disapproval with the new procedures.
"We are encouraging all terrorists to give up terrorism for one day," said the first terrorist, who decided to be named after all but then thought better of it. "Let this be a warning -- if you don't stop invading our nether regions, we might stop airplane terrorism altogether."