02/16/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

The Geese Fight Back

The following e-mail showed up in my box. Its author is Ronald, a Canadian Black Goose, and the only indication as to its origin is the line "Sent from my iPhone."

Dear Humans,

Once again, history is written by the victors. I'm referring to the flight that had to be ditched in the Hudson because of us geese. Only your species could experience a tragedy where nobody dies and still complain about it. I was part of the gaggle that flew into that plane and nobody says anything about the friends I lost. Until you've seen three Canadian duskies you grew up with get sucked into a jet engine, don't tell me you know what tragedy is.

We geese have taken about all the crap we're going to take. We are majestic, serious birds, and yet the phrase "silly goose" has been part of your lexicon for years. You cook us at Christmas and eat our livers as hors d'oeuvres. When you poke someone in the ass, you're "goosing" them. And don't get me started on Duck, Duck, Goose.

You rail about a "bird strike" as if we were some sort of rogue fowl, infiltrating the airways illegally. I got news for you. We were flying when the Wright Brothers were still swimming around in Mr. Wright's balls. You're in our way, not the other way around.

Your Department of Homeland Security keeps saying things like "We have no indication that this is anything other than an accident." What's that supposed to mean? That secretly you suspect waterfowl of terrorism? Who's our leader? Osama Bird Laden?

George W. Bush once said he believed that humans and fish could co-exist peacefully. We believe the same should be true of humans and geese. We have a saying: do not judge another bird until you have eaten his diet of insects and aquatic plants.

To avoid problems in the future, we suggest better communication between the FAA and the Department of Fish and Wildlife. We also would like to see an end to goosedown jackets. This doesn't have anything to do with the current crisis, but we wanted to get it in there.
Just remember, if you attack us, we will spread our wings and make a hissing sound. Then we will make loud, honking noises, in the air and on the Campbell Brown show. So let us come together and fight the real enemy - those bastard Northern Raccoons.