Sorry to Rainbow on Your Parade (A Pastor Sets the Record 'Straight' on the Gay Agenda)

02/18/2015 02:36 pm ET Updated Apr 20, 2015

Brace yourselves and gird your loins, true believers; I have some earth-shattering news.

I've long heard rumors of the homosexual community's insidious master plan to contaminate and corrupt our sweet straight setup here, and one way or another, I decided I'd get to the bottom of it, once and for all.

As you may or may not know, I've been a pastor in the local church for the past 18 years; listening, counseling, observing. I've served at house churches and mega churches; at ones with pipe organs and ones with Marshall stacks; ones with wooden pews and ones with free WiFi. This vast and lengthy resume has given me unprecedented behind-the-scenes access to the hidden lives of tens of thousands of unsuspecting families. During that time, I've done some covert reconnaissance on our behalf, and the raw, naked truth I've uncovered? Well, it's a game-changer, to say the least.

My friends, sadly I'm afraid that the horror stories you've heard on the radio shows, and in the blogs, and in the Sunday sermons are all-too true: The Gay Agenda is very, very real.

I feel a responsibility to expose this grave reality now; not to frighten you, (though it certainly will), but to help arm you with the best plan of attack in the face of it. This list is by no means exhaustive, mind you, but it will give you a good working understanding of the imminent, horrible menace threatening our cozy heterosexual existence; even as you read these very words.

As much as I've been able to ascertain based on my research, the Gay Agenda is this:

Agenda Number 1: Gay people want to work. They seem to enjoy careers; searching to discover them, studying to prepare for them, honing their craft to develop them, using their gifts and talents to nurture and expand them. In related matters, as unbelievable as it seems, they also apparently appear to get personal satisfaction from being employed, from working hard, from supporting their families financially, and from contributing to the global economy.

Agenda Number 2: Gay people want to buy stuff. Taking part in said global economy, they have a love for commerce and material goods that appears quite similar to our own. They like to purchase things; things like cars, and lawnmowers, and patio furniture, and Mac products, and even homes; and then they enjoy going out to shop for stuff to put in those homes. They do so, both in person and online. Gay people currently use all the same stores we straight people do (though they rarely admit to shopping at Wal-Mart, either).

Agenda Number 3: Gay people want to eat. They seem to enjoy shopping for, preparing, and consuming food of all varieties; gay and otherwise. While they sometimes conveniently and mercifully do this in the privacy of their own homes, they will at times, venture out to local public eating establishments where they can order and pay for food that someone else made. They seem to be quite fine with straight people doing this. Currently, there aren't a lot of "gay restaurants", though people have speculated about Hooters for years. (Overcompensating, much?).

Agenda Number 4: Gay people want to go to church and worship God. Well, some of them, anyway. Contrary to popular belief, just like us straight folk; many of them would also prefer to stay home all Sunday morning in their underwear; eating cold pizza and watching football pre-game shows. Others though, believe in God, and as a result, feel compelled to attend local area houses of worship. While there, they brazenly insist on doing all the "straight" stuff: praying, singing, tithing, reflecting, playing Bejewled 3 during the longer sermons. They apparently somehow feel as though worshiping God is a queer community option.

Agenda Number 5: Gay people want families. They don't just want families, (as frightening as that in itself, is), they actually have them; siblings, parents, children, cousins, weird uncles who smell like Cheetos and tell the same story every holiday, about the time they thought they saw Bill Murray at the dog show. (It wasn't incidentally, it was just an oversized labradoodle that resembled Murray). They insist on doing lots of "straight family" things, like going on vacations, to high school basketball games, to movies, to the park, to non-Bill Murray-attending dog shows. They invite other families over to grill food, play in their backyards, sit on the front porch, and watch UFC (Well, that one's a little dicey anyway, I'll admit; what with the "grappling" and all).

Agenda Number 6: Gay people want to create. Apparently queer folks have Muses too. They write songs, (even non-show tunes, songs), they paint and draw, they design bridges and buildings, and write novels, and scrapbook, and microbrew beer. They try to bake bread, and try to cure cancer, and try to get the hallway pictures to hang straight (As-if). They do all sorts of stuff that heterosexual people do with their hands, minds, hearts, and voices, as they are inspired to; and they seem to believe that somehow all this "gay creativity" actually enriches the world. The gall.

Agenda Number 7: Gay people want to feel, fully. Shockingly, they "claim" to crave the same human interaction that we do, which hardly seems probable. They aspire to tell stories, to tell jokes, (to laugh at the good ones), to remember, and dream, and show affection, and fall in love, and break-up, and grieve a loved one's passing, and share life-giving conversation with a friend over coffee. They dare to visit sick people in the hospital, and reconnect with a childhood BFF on Facebook, and get really pissed at that guy who cuts into their lane at the last second, even though he totally saw everybody merging over, three miles ago. They would argue at having the full complement of human emotions -- not only lust.

So, there you have it brothers and sisters: Working, buying stuff, eating, worshiping God, not worshiping God, having families, creating, feeling. That's the encroaching evil we're up against here.

If I had more time, I'd go into gory detail about some other key, vile, dangerous components of the Gay Agenda: to vote, pay taxes, take their kids to the dentist, binge watch The Walking Dead, hold grudges, forgive, have health insurance, get haircuts, regret haircuts, fart and blame someone else, sing Karaoke, volunteer, throw-up on roller coasters, shop at Trader Joes, have weddings, go to weddings, avoid weddings, and watch Frozen with their toddler... again, gladly.

For now though, at the very least I've hopefully given you enough to know the devious, crafty, conniving enemy, and what they're up to.

In the face of the clear horror I've detailed for you here, you can now pray, and reflect on, and discuss together, your next move to adequately fight the Code Level Red threat of the Gay Agenda.

To quote the old Saturday morning sages: "The more you know..."

Be strong and courageous, true believer.