09/17/2009 05:12 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Tom DeLay Predicts Winning Dancing With the Stars Through Re-Districting

Disgraced former Republican Majority Leader Tom DeLay announced today that not only will he impress Americans across the political spectrum with the wiggle of his hips on ABC's Dancing With the Stars, he has already begun maneuvers off the dance floor that will ensure his eventual win.

In back room meetings at Margaritaville with new DWTS judge Paula Abdul, Tom DeLay laid out a plan exactly like his gerrymandering in Texas: Vote to change the rules abruptly, which includes a decree eliminating all the other contestants. Insiders say DeLay was able to win the influence of Paula Abdul through his impressive exhibition of the moves from the dance routine in Abdul's 1988 music video for "Straight Up."

Based on DeLay's history of money laundering, questions surfaced immediately surrounding corporate money being funneled into ABC through an arcane expenditure process known as "advertising."

"This is a subversion of justice, a sham, a brazen defiance to the framers' intent, and a clearly unethical abuse of playing fair and square on Reality TV," cried Kelly Osbourne. "I'm telling Mom."

Upon DeLay's announcement, the other cast members of DWTS attempted an exodus from Southern California to avoid being forced to participate in DeLay's gerrymandering. Donny Osmond lead a renegade dance troupe to Utah, but Tom DeLay employed Dog the Bounty Hunter to bring the cast members back to face their premature elimination at CBS Television City Studios.

"This is virulent and anti-democratic," cooed Macy Gray.

Though a seemingly unlikely pick in Reality TV casting, Tom DeLay's histrionics have long been a staple for TV cameras, such as when he lead news crews on chases outside of his office once reporters began asking about his pending indictments. Tom DeLay's impact on present viral culture is also considerable, as he started the trend of grinning in your mug shot to avoid looking like a guilty perp, a thriving trend on The Smoking Gun.

What's more, DeLay's audacity to resign abruptly amid ethics questions while claiming some illogical moral high ground paved the way for later Reality TV stars such as Sarah Palin.