01/03/2014 01:37 pm ET Updated Mar 05, 2014

How to Juice-Cleanse Like a Motherf*cking Champ

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  • The cardinal rule of juice-cleansing: Talk about nothing else to anyone who will listen. Discussing your juicing actually helps detoxification, as many impurities are released via the vocal cords. Possible topics include: Ugh, I'm Cleansing! and I've Already Pooped Three Times Today!
  • Purchase enough juice that when it's placed in the front seat, your car's passenger airbag sensor is deployed. If your vehicle senses the weight of an adolescent and wants it to use a seatbelt, you're doing it right.
  • Make sure your beet juice lid is screwed on tight. You will otherwise leave what appears to be a crime scene in your wake. "It's not blood" is a horrible thing to have to say to a panic-stricken stranger. However, pretending that you have a gushing wound is a fantastic acting exercise (if that applies to you), and it also burns extra calories. So use your best judgement.
  • Feel that splitting headache? That's the pain of your ancestors. They're shocked and horrified at the amount of money you're shelling out to drink plants. Have a meditation/seance where you summon their spirits. Give thanks for their suffering, and let them know that a little kale juice would have helped them live longer.
  • One of the key benefits post-cleansing is glowing, rosy skin. During the cleanse, however, it's not uncommon to look like an albino mime. Simply rub a little beet juice onto your cheeks to perk up that wan complexion. Make sure you get it right on the first try, though. Mother Nature's rouge is unpredictable and worrying that you look like a two-dollar whore will stilt your detox.
  • If you're meeting up with friends, bring your green juice "dinner." Not only will it give you a chance to talk about your juice-cleanse (see above), it will remind others that they are not as good as you. Lead by example!
  • Watch as many TV commercials as possible. Seeing all that delicious food will invigorate your resolve, and also be a solid reminder that you have a bunch of it rotting inside of you. Which reminds me:
  • Go enjoy a colonic. You haven't reached your cleansing potential until you get up close and personal with a stranger. That kind of vulnerability can't be bought. Well, actually it can if you buy a colonic. Bonus: a good liver/gallbladder flush has been known to cause orgasm. A healthy person is a sexy person.
  • For the duration of your cleanse, your body will not be your own. You may experience any or all of the following: dizziness, irritability, brain fog, cystic acne, migraines, blurred vision, restless leg syndrome, flop sweats, frequent crying episodes, loss of memory, hallucinations, uncontrollable rage, violent psychotic behavior, night terrors, lack of will to live, hopelessness, and/or hunger. This is completely normal. You can do it!