10/30/2012 07:04 pm ET Updated Dec 30, 2012

Shocking Presidential Candidate Secrets Revealed!

Election Day is a week from Tuesday, and if you're following the polls, it's still anyone's race with so many voters still undecided who they'll pull their levers for (that's what she said). By now this is old news: President Barack Obama lost points following the first debate, but rebounded with two decisive victories (depending who you talk to) after second and final meetings. As we also know, Vice President Joe Biden scored a victory as well (again, depending who you ask) over Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin. Yet, it's still thisclose.

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and his running mate are still very much in the game, and even hold a slight lead over the incumbents depending on what poll you're looking at. With both parties covering (or not covering) so many topics on the campaign trail and in those pesky debates, there are still so many issues that haven't been addressed... until now. Sources close to me, and by no means real, have offered insight into the two men running for office, and I'm convinced, this information might sway you to one over the other. Let's take a look below. It's all very alarming, and by that, I mean very fake.

What you don't know about Barack Obama...

After taking down Muammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Gaddaf and Osama Bin Ladin, Barack Obama's next target is reportedly the person who voiced the "mom" on the animated Muppet Babies television series.

President Obama, if reelected, would trim the Twitter character count by three words.

When Barack Obama says "Iran" -- he is referring to the Flock of Seagulls song "I Ran" not the actual country.

Barack Obama's foreign trade policy will not result in a new shipment of Madballs to the United States.

Barack Obama supports a balanced breakfast while balancing the budget.

Barack Obama has reportedly replaced the first pump with a bitch slap.

The president, if reelected, would sign a bill outlawing the use of plot points on Glee.

President Obama, like the Nets and Islanders, will relocate the White House to the Barclays Center.

If given a second term, President Obama will replace Hillary Clinton with George Clinton in a newly-titled position of Secretary of Funk.

What you don't know about Mitt Romney

If elected president, Mitt Romney will not choose any of his cabinet from IKEA.

Romney doesn't recognize this Guns N Roses lineup as officially Guns N Roses.

The former governor believes this election will be moot because Terminator cyborgs will take over in December.

Romney wants to close the border around your Photoshop project.

When Mitt Romney says he is a friend of Israel -- he is referring to his mechanic Israel Hernandez.

When in Japan, Mitt Romney always asks "Domo Origato, Demi Lovato?"

Mitt Romney's favorite film is "Big Trouble in Little China."

Mitt Romney believes the New York Mets are a valid trade partner for the United States.

The last time Mitt Romney tightened sanctions, someone ended up pregnant.