THE BLOG
09/28/2014 08:05 pm ET Updated Nov 27, 2014

Revenge Porn and the Failure of 39 U.S. States

Of all the types of porn there are -- amateur, B&D, S&M, A&E, three-way, girl-on-girl, three girls, one guy, his mother, and her sister, that crazy shit they do in Germany -- my least favorite is something called "revenge porn."

But, you won't find a revenge porn shelf in the adults-only section of your local video store. They still have those, right? Anyway, revenge porn is when you break up with someone you've got naked pictures of and then you post them on the internet. You know, to prove how much you love the person by embarrassing and humiliating them in front of their parents, friends, future employers, future friends and everyone who reads the website "I'm a douche-bag who had a hot girlfriend but I fucked up and now I'm pissed dot com."

And how does revenge porn ruin a woman's life? These pics are incredibly popular on the internet. Even more popular than pictures of cats.

I guess guys think: "maybe if I ruin her life she'll take me back!" You know, because I proved I'm sorry by texting her ten thousand times in 24 hours.

Yeah, but that's not how it works.

When a guy posts naked pics of a girl he once dated the only thing he's proven is that he once had the pleasure of being with a girl who was cool enough to let him take her picture while she was the most vulnerable and exposed, but then he did something douche-y to lose her.

I've never heard of a woman who would try to get back at an ex by posting naked pictures of him. Why would he care? To him, that's just free publicity. Unless he has a tiny penis -- which, let's be honest, might explain the break-up.

Here's the facts. Revenge porn is a crime in California - and 11 other U.S. states, plus Israel, Germany, and Great Britain. If you're caught posting revenge porn, you can be sent to prison. But only in 11 U.S. states. In Germany, they cut off your balls and then you're forced to hang them on your rearview mirror like they're fuzzy dice. I think.

Look, here's a clear sign you're on the wrong side of an issue: when it's something that Israel and Germany agree on.

Where was I? Oh yeah. There's nothing wrong with nudity. Among consenting adults! But just because a woman consents to take some naked photos with a boyfriend, doesn't mean he's now got cart-douche to share it with anyone who stands to pee.

And to all you ladies, think twice before you send that naked selfie to a guy you just started dating. Or better yet, don't send it. Why does this guy I presume you're sleeping with need naked pictures of you? So he can masturbate to it? I've got a better idea: when your guy asks for a naked pic, first thing you do is grab a baseball bat... then get in your car, drive to where ever he is - and if, when you get there, he's really sexually excited and hot for you - great. Maybe give him some.

But first, put the bat back in the car and make up some excuse about why you're carrying it.

However - if you get to where ever he is and you find out he's:

  • Hanging with his friends showing off his collection of naked selfies
  • Or with some other girl...

It's batter up time. And then, take a picture of him crying and begging for mercy.

But, don't post it on the web! You're better than that.

And don't really hit him with that bat, either. I was just making a point.

Finally, let me add one last thing. It's for you ladies. Every time you let someone take a naked pic of you... or you take one of yourself... you are taking away the jobs of professionals in the porn industry. You're a job killer. And you do not want to piss off the ladies who make adult films. They will hunt you down. They will find you. And they will hurt you. Don't make them do that.

Below, a preview of Jon's new TV series...

Jon Hotchkiss is the creator of the new adults only comedy, getsexxxtonight. Ned Rice contributed to this. You can see episodes 1 & 2, here. Save 33% • Use code: kross @ checkout.