01/23/2013 05:47 pm ET Updated Mar 25, 2013

Fifteen Shades of Testosterone

  • Installing a sex swing in the bedroom requires a load-bearing beam, which is currently supporting the 60-inch flat screen.
  • If you really want to be restrained, satin scarves don't work. Let's head over to the Home Depot and pick up some industrial steel cable, then grab lunch at Arby's.
  • I hooked the machine dildo up to an old chainsaw motor I had in the shed. You'll get 45 orgasms to the gallon now.
  • I'm just saying -- we need to be practical. If we spend $3,500 on a bondage bed, it can double as the guest bed when your mother visits.
  • I'm going to tie you to the bedpost while I hang pictures so you can't stand over my shoulder saying, "Little to the left, little more, little to the right."
  • Whipped cream off your breasts? Sure, that might be hot. Not as hot as chip beef gravy over biscuits, maybe a side of tater tots. I'll grab the takeout menu.
  • Before I get back there, I need to put three to four coats of sealant on all the butt plugs, horseshoe dildos and anal fisting probes to prevent blowouts.
  • Tonight, my sex kitten, we are going to dress in masks and leather suits and watch professional wrestling.
  • That's it, grip it tight. Yeah, swing it around. No, no -- stop. Damn it, if you're going to weed-whack the lawn, make sure you don't nick the paint off the trim.
  • Until Black & Decker sells a cordless electric drill with an Allen Wrench attachment, the female G-Spot will remain a myth.
  • First, I'm going to tie you in the attic. Then I'm going to use that ball gag you paid $49.95 for on Amazon. Then I'm going downstairs. I invited the guys over to watch the game. Stomp if you get hungry.
  • I don't care if it's not sadomasochistic enough for you, it gets me pumped. I'm wearing my Giants game jersey when I flog you and that's final.
  • I understand we're both locked in this thing, dangling from our ceiling, and the children will be awake soon. But that's why I bought the tool kit -- to fix things -- and I'll be damned if I'm calling customer service.
  • Both of us have a lot of back hair, especially you. We need to equip the sex dungeon with extinguishers, fire retardant and spray foam before we start dripping wax down each other's backside.
  • Another way to spice things up in the bedroom: Pepperoni.