11/15/2012 11:36 am ET Updated Jan 15, 2013

The Fearless Orgasm

I often have female patients seeing me because they can't achieve an orgasm when they are with their partners. They've read the Kama Sutra from cover to cover, they've taken so-called herbal remedies, -- heck, some have even gotten their hands on Viagra and tried that. Seeing me is usually their last ditch effort to try to fix things and usually after several visits to various medical professionals.

I start the session with one simple question: Can you bring yourself to orgasm? The answer is usually a resounding "Yes." This proves to be diagnostic. You see, physically, these women are just fine. Their bodies respond to certain stimuli and are able to orgasm. This tells me that the issue is in their mind and how they think about sex, their partners, and themselves. Similar to fear and anxiety, by changing the way they think about a situation it makes all the difference in the world.

Here's how to achieve that glorious orgasm:

• Rather than seeing this situation as a problem, see it as an opportunity: one to expand your sexual horizons and learn what works. Remember, you've already proven to yourself that an orgasm is biologically possible. So before tweaking your technique it is important to feel comfortable with your body telling yourself that you can enjoy an orgasm, while feeling good about taking care of your needs.

• Know that the formula for a fulfilling orgasm with a non-mechanical device includes more than just an adjustment of speed and intensity. An emotional bond, closeness, comfort, being in sync with each others' bodies, and romance are critically important, while popping Viagra is probably about as effective as eating cherries.

• Accept the notion that sex is more than just a methodical process, and much of what stands between a toy-induced orgasm and one with your partner occurs in your head.

• Do not focus solely on technique or the genitals. This will only lead to anxiety and tension -- both of which are incompatible with relaxing and letting yourself go.

• Realize that there is more to sex than just penetration. Recognize the entire body as potentially feeling good and attempt to stimulate each other in ways you've yet to try.

• By gently exploring each other and communicating your respective needs, you'll help to lower inhibitions and feel more comfortable en route to that earth-shatteringly, mind-numbing-orgasm.

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