05/18/2015 02:49 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Help, I Can't Adult Today

Being an adult is pretty dang cool, and it should be. Adulthood is just as much a part of life as having a Dave Matthews phase. The days of strict curfews are long gone and no one can tell you not to spend a whole day watching "Lizzie McGuire" reruns -- life is good.

I love the independence. I love the feeling of accomplishment after a day's hard work. I love the freedom of doing whatever it is that makes me happy on any given day.

I can live my by own rules.

If I want to use my time sorting items on the Taco Bell menu in order of how many points they would be in Scrabble, I can. If I want to see how long I can survive off of only eating Sour Patch kids, I can do that. If I want to cry every time I listen to Ed Sheeran, that's fine. K it's not weird. It's not.

Quite frankly, though, sometimes being an adult (and excuse my language) sucks.

Taxes, laundry, dinner parties for people you hardly know, helping people move, pretending to like museums (you don't), and the list goes on. It doesn't matter what walk of life you come from, we all have those days and those times where we just can't "adult."

Maybe it's when you wake up in the morning, perhaps it's when your workload picks up, or it could be that moment when you realize that 11:00p.m. is "late" (I've fallen asleep six times so far writing this).


Yup. Adulthood is definitely a change from the days when our biggest worry was waking up first at a sleepover. Our weeks which were once filled with (incredibly efficient) Velcro shoes and lunchables have now been replaced with business casual attire and long meetings. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish there was a way to transport back to that simple mindset, even if just for a few minutes.

And who says there can't be?

Because life is sooo hard these days, enter, my new initiative: the "Get out of adulting free" card (please hold your applause).

It'd be like one of those game-changing "chance" cards you pick up during Monopoly - you know the one where you immediately give off a look to your opponents like, "Wow, you are all screwed now."

This card would be simple, once you graduate college (being an adult in college doesn't count) it would be handed to you along with your diploma. If you didn't go to college, no worries! It will drop from the sky in a package upon your 21st birthday like sponsors in The Hunger Games because let's be honest that would be awesome.


@Obama are you listening?

From there you would be able to, no, encouraged to use this card to get out of participating in ONE adult situation in your life where you just "literally can't." Of course, because you only get one opportunity to use the card, you have to choose wisely. This is fun!

Situations could include:

- Calling someone back after listening to a horrible voicemail
- Driving someone to the airport
- Meeting with your boss
- Paying bills
- Acting mature in public
- Fixing something around the house
- Jury duty
- Scheduling appointments (so mature)
- Pretending to know about politics in conversation
- Eating healthy

This would do wonders for society. People would be happier, which would make them nicer, which would result in more selflessness and improved behavior. Did I just solve every problem in the world? You're welcome.

Everyone would use this card, too. Old people, young people, Courteney Cox whatever age she is. Atheists, Christians, Directioners. Chris Carter, Vince Carter, Aaron Carter. Republicans, smart people. Everyone would find some kind of use for this 1.75 x 3.0 inch piece of heaven.

So, write your senators (note: if you're a senator you don't need to write to yourself). Start petitions. Listen to "Africa" by Toto (unrelated). Let's change the world. We all should be happy, and if that means getting the occasional break from having to look at your friend's boring vacation photos, so be it.