10/31/2012 06:29 pm ET Updated Dec 31, 2012

A Guide for the Undecided Voter

Approximately 2 percent of voters have still not been able to make up their minds if they should vote for Mitt Romney on November 6.

I know why! The 2 percent are uncommonly thorough people who demand to know everything before making such a big decision. Problem is, Mitt has been so inconsistent on his positions, they can't make up their minds.

I know Mitt personally, and so, to help out these voters, I called Mitt last night and asked him to give me straight answers on Medicare, Mourdock, Roe V. Wade, et cetera, et al., ad infinitum. I promised I would not share his answers with the media or the Obama campaign. Nonetheless, he refused.

But, Mitt was willing to go on record on several slightly less consequential issues! Even better, it's been a full 24 hours since I first spoke to the candidate and when I called back today, he assured me he had not changed his mind on any of what he told me the day before! Might the 2 percent be able to decide on Mitt if they had this inside information? In hopes that they might, I present my finding below.

North Dakota Measure 5. Mandates that maliciously and intentionally harming a living dog, cat or horse be classified as a Class C felony. Romney position: Opposed. He would support the measure, however, if it included a codicil exempting dogs on the roof.

Trading Alex Rodriguez. Romney position: Supports. Mitt went on to describe Rodriguez's current salary as "middle-income."

Oklahoma Sharia Law Amendment. Requires that courts rely on federal or state laws when handing down decisions concerning cases and would prohibit them from using Sharia law. Romney position: In favor. (PS: This might be a good place to mention that all the ballot measures listed in this column are real!)

NHL Player's Strike. Romney position: Opposed. Mitt added that he is following the strike, but "not as closely as some of the most ardent fans. However, I do have some great friends who are NHL team owners."

Stay-at-home Dads. Romney's Position: Mitt wants all the stay-at-home dads to know he approves and supports their lifestyle and hopes he has their vote on November 6. Furthermore, he wants the dads to know he once thought of making the same choice they made. Finally, he explains, the reason he did not decide to be a stay-at home-dad was because he didn't see himself as "someone who had sufficient maternal instincts to do the job properly," and saw himself instead more as a "greedy, money addicted, heartless, capitalist tool."

Prison Overcrowding. Romney position: Supports. Mitt added he is keeping tax records secret to avoid personal exposure.

North Dakota "Fighting Sioux" Measure 4. Allow the University of North Dakota to discontinue use of the "Fighting Sioux" nickname. Romney position. Opposed. Mitt shared with me that his Indian name is, "He Who Hides his Income." (He also shared with me that his Mafia nickname is, Mitt "Doesn't Have Enough Personality to Come Up with a Nickname" Romney.)

Redesign of Volkswagen Beetle. Romney position: Supports. Mitt noted however that with new enlarged re-design, the number of Beetles his car elevator can fit has declined from 74 to 72.

Hazing of Freshman Fraternity Candidates. Romney position: Enjoys greatly.

Cancellation of The Neighbors. Romney position: Opposed. (Mitt added the aliens portrayed in the sitcom are from his planet.)

California Measure B -- Safe Sex Amendment. Mandates the use of condoms in porn films filmed in Los Angeles County. Romney position: Supports. Mitt added that, "I never had to personally wear a condom because I've only slept with one woman in my entire life and we didn't first sleep together until the night we were married." I suggested that if he let this news go public, he would probably garner a large sympathy vote.

Wyoming Measure SJ 0001. Amends the Wyoming Constitution by recognizing and preserving the heritage of Wyoming citizens' opportunity to fish, hunt and trap wildlife. Romney position: Supports. Note: Campaign spokesman reports that Mitt makes it a habit not to hunt within 1,000 yards of Dick Cheney. (That premise never gets old.)

For more fun stuff that Mitt Romney says go to "Talking Romney."