Thrill seeking has always been essential to the human spirit. Coming face-to-face with the Grim Reaper, on purpose, can be found in every culture across the globe. Spaniards get their kicks trying to outrun a stampede of pissed off bulls, Nicaraguans snowboard down active volcanoes at 80 kilometers per hour, and Americans go doorbusting on Black Friday...or now Black Thursday.
The biggest shopping day of the year is as much about the adrenaline rush as it is about the deals. Maybe you'll get a toaster over for 25 percent off, or maybe you'll get trampled by a pack of ravenous middle-agers with nothing to lose.
Sure, shopping online is the safer, smarter thing to do. But where's the fun in that? It's like watching live footage of a Slayer concert from your couch as opposed to being in the crowd, completely deaf and dodging haymakers.
But if you value your life and want to play it safe by shopping online this year, here are some typical Black Friday occurrences you'll miss:
- Minivans inadvertently getting into Tokyo Drift competitions in department store parking lots.
- Two middle-aged men fist fighting over a slightly discounted margarita blender.
- Some lady pepper-spraying other shoppers to ensure she gets a video game. (This actually happened in 2011).
- An underpaid, overtired sales floor associate going into Hulk-mode and flipping out on a crazed shopper.
- Some guy trying to fit eight incredibly low-priced Shop-Vacs into one cart.
- A women mustering the adrenaline-induced, my-child-is-trapped-under-a-car strength just to carry multiple items without a cart.
- The elusive Mommy Mosh Pit: 25 overly caffeinated mothers + only 10 sets of Cuddl Duds pajamas = certain bloodshed.
- Out of shape, overweight men suddenly becoming agile gymnasts as they squeeze their way to a hot item.
- People crying. Everywhere. Whether they've wasted their entire evening waiting for an item that was already sold out, got shoulder checked into an endcap, or sprained their ankle during the opening dash, grown adults will be sobbing in every store across the country.