10/06/2013 08:28 pm ET Updated Jan 23, 2014

Dealing With a Horrible Fantasy Football Team

This was going to be the year. You read countless blogs. You bought $200 worth of strategy guides. You watched NFL network for two hours each night before bed. And what did all of that get you? An embarrassing 1-4 record.

Welcome to fantasy football.

Maybe it's not your fault (all the experts said to draft David Wilson). Maybe it is (no one forced you to execute a 95-second keg stand after your first pick).

Regardless of how you got here, face it -- if you've only got two wins this season, it's over.

Accepting defeat of any form is always a tough pill to swallow, but ingloriously sucking at fantasy football is one of the cruelest forms of humiliation a person can suffer. You lose a ton of money, endlessly get tormented by friends/co-workers for months, and, worst of all, dread turning on the TV every Sunday.

As someone who's spent a considerable amount of time in the lonesome bowels of league standings, I feel your pain. Below are some coping mechanisms that might help ease your misery.

  • Change your team's name to something self-deprecating. No one's going to taunt the owner of "The Bottom Feeders."
  • Take a drink every time a fantasy update pops up on TV. It's hard to be depressed about your roster when you're passed out half-naked on the couch with a KFC Game Day Bucket in hand.
  • Create a team in Madden with your fantasy players and WHOOP the Jacksonville Jaguars on the 'Rookie' difficultly level.
  • Pay a hacker to infiltrate your league's database and adjust your record to 4-1.
  • Head over to the nearest riverboat casino and make back your league fees one roulette wheel spin at a time.
  • Purchase a couple of Rosetta Stone programs and learn how to curse your team in multiple languages.
  • Print out headshots of your most disappointing players and tape them on your living room wall. Then, blast "Master of Puppets" and proceed to drop kick each of them until your foot loses feeling or your drywall gives way and you end up in your neighbor's apartment.
  • Secretly auction off the best players you have to other teams in your league. It's bad sportsmanship, but hey, last place doesn't put food on the table.
  • Organize a tackle football game with the guys from your league. Let out your frustration by tackling everyone with the fury of 10,000 Mike Ditkas.
  • Learn how to play the synth hook from "The Final Countdown." Yeah, this has nothing to do with Fantasy Football, but nonetheless is a great self-esteem booster.
  • Simply run away. Get off the grid and relocate to a tiny shanty in the middle of the Rocky Mountains. Then next August, emerge from the ashes like a bearded phoenix ready to draft a championship-caliber team.