In college, throwing a party was almost too easy. All you needed for a legendary rager were a couple of kegs, a beer-pong table and an oatmeal-filled mini pool for bikini wrestling.
But as a grown up, hosting an epic party without the looming threat of pissing off your wife or neighbors is nearly impossible. Relive your younger years and put on a Milwaukee's Best-infused open invitation bash that leaves your house trashed? You sleep on the couch for three months. Have a small group over for a quiet, khaki-filled evening of wine and discussion of the latest J.K. Rowling book? Your friends never speak to you again.
However, the one sacred night you can get away with mixing the luxuries of adulthood with some of the craziness of yesteryear is Super Bowl Sunday. Below are eight steps that will ensure you throw a renowned party without any repercussions.
1. If You Have an HDTV Smaller Than 40", Get a Bigger One
Huddles should be taking place on the TV, not around it. It's time to upgrade if your HDTV isn't big enough to give everyone sitting nearby a slight tan by the end of the game. If you can't afford to upgrade to a bigger model, no problem, rent one from Troy Aikman.
2. Food Must Be Within an Arm's Distance From All Occupants
Super Bowl Sunday is the only night of the year that people actually look forward to commercials. This creates a unique situation where viewers don't want to miss one second of programming. If someone has to leave their seat to get a refill on Taquitos, you've failed.
3. Air Circulation is Key
When it's 5 degrees and non-smokers are going outside for fresh air, it's a good sign that the trough of salsa is starting to take its toll. Combined with a horde of guests and the sweat of despair from those who bet their entire paycheck on the underdog, you're going to need countermeasures to keep things in check. Open a window, turn on some fans and shut off the heat to keep your living room from smelling like the bottom of a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit.
4. Place a TV on Each Wall
Four walls, four HDTVs. This way, no matter what happens, your guests won't miss a second of the action. If this is unrealistic for your budget, cheat and set up an elaborate system with large mirrors. If you can afford the extra TVs, don't forget to flush mount one on the ceiling too.
5. Crank Up the Audio
Ideally, all non-game related conversation will be kept in the kitchen. But inevitably, someone will break this rule. Keep the game audio around 80 percent to ensure Jim Nantz's captivating commentary isn't overpowered by Christine telling everyone about her latest boyfriend.
6. Remove All Breakable Items
After a few beers and 37 pounds of taco dip, I don't trust myself around glass items, let alone my hammered friends who are throwing around a foam football trying to reenact "The Immaculate Reception."
7. Handcuff the Remote Control to Your Hand
Other than a citywide power outage from a rogue solar flare, losing the remote control is the worst thing that could possibly happen on Sunday. Handcuffing it to your wrist may sound extreme, but will prove genius by the end of the night. Just make sure to attach it to your non-dominant hand to avoid awkward high fives, appetizer grabbing and halftime wiping.
8. Guest Seating Should Be Preplanned
As the host, you obviously get the noble throne with a direct view. Close friends -- or the highest bidders -- sit adjacent, while that annoying couple from work sits on the couch the dog licks his crotch on.