02/13/2013 01:56 pm ET Updated Apr 15, 2013

Restaurant Red Flags to Avoid on Valentine's Day

According to Wikipedia, the leading source of all my knowledge, Valentine's Day is "celebrated in many countries around the world." This means you are not alone; some dude in Slovenia is sharing your sense of overwhelmed panic.

But it's not your fault; Cupid's holiday is a tricky one. A sparkly piece of jewelry is too much. A bouquet of roses is too little. What's a guy supposed to do?

Take your date out to a special dinner, that's what. Now, this doesn't mean you have to max out your credit card on dry aged steaks and antique wine that was unearthed from the Catacombs of Paris. You just need make sure she doesn't come home with buffalo sauce-stained nails or peanut shells in her hair.

The key is to pick a restaurant that's not too cheap or too expensive. To help narrow the options, I've listed some restaurant traits you must avoid in order to reign victorious this Valentine's Day.

Steer clear of restaurants that ...

... include TVs in the dining area

... have a mascot

... make you cook your own food

... have an arcade

... serve food on a paper plate or in tin foil

... have a "never ending" anything on the menu

... encourage you to throw empty peanut shells on the ground

... offer a buffet

... wrap silverware in a paper napkin

... have a Journey tribute band serenade individual tables for $3

... are named Hooters

... have a bar in the middle of the dining room

... deliberately misspell their name (i.e. The Bake'n Shak)

... have a "Spicy Challenge"

... display autographed headshots of celebrity patrons

... place crayons and a mini coloring book on each table

... serve water in a 20 oz. plastic cup