I can't imagine too many things more embarrassing than proposing to your girlfriend in a room full of people (even worse, an arena full) only to have her stare back at you bewilderedly and then run away from you. Your dejected face is in extreme close up mode on the Jumbotron (this did happen in an arena full of people) and all you can do is run after her in shame.
That's the stuff we wake up from in a cold sweat and think, no need to rush things. Unfortunately for actor/comic Patrick Moote, his nightmare played out wide-awake at a UCLA basketball game and then the video of his epic fail went viral. Fine, it can't get any worse, right? Wrong! That's when the soon to be ex-girlfriend said one of the reasons she could never marry Patrick was because his penis was too small. Ouch! Believe me, there's nothing more painful for a guy than taking a hit square in the nuts, unless it's being told that your junk is too small.
Now the subject of Unhung Hero (Breaking Glass Pictures), a goodhearted 'cockumentary' where Patrick tries to find out if size really matters, the film (available now on home video) follows our affable hero on a worldwide journey interviewing former girlfriends, activists, sexperts, and porn stars to find out just how important size is. Filmmaker Michael Moore is a fan, telling director Brian Spitz: "I love your film!"
I decided to meet with Patrick at the Size Really Does Matter art exhibit at the Los Angeles Municipal Art Gallery at Barnsdall Park in East Hollywood. As he approaches the gallery, chalk full of eye-popping, oversized images inspired by public artwork seen throughout Los Angeles, he quickly declares, "I disagree."
The male equivalent to a girl with an A-cup, so Patrick says in the film after meeting with a urologist who tells him his penis is on the "low normal" side, he seems impressed by the larger-than-life art until we stumble upon some nudes of a pretty well endowed man -- he looks then diverts his eyes before walking away.
A YouTube sensation for all the wrong reasons, Patrick, who let's admit it, as an actor craves attention, wasn't thrilled about his newfound notoriety.
"I wasn't super stoked about it but I realized, because I've been in L.A. long enough, that that many hits could be an asset. It got ten million hits in four days and then that sparked the whole conversation about size."
Now, Patrick will confess his relationship wasn't picture perfect but he was in love and looking for happily ever after.
"I knew there were problems but you start to get in that mode if we just pile more commitment, let's get a dog and move in together, things will work out. I'll get a new job; new car; new apartment; a new penis, wait, what? That you can't fix. I went from being quietly insecure about something to hearing about it from someone and then being wildly insecure about it -- to the point where I wanted to make this movie."
As a result of Unhung Hero, where Patrick took on a series of remedies (pills, contraptions, exercises) to get bigger and even considered a shady multi penis injection treatment in Papua New Guinea, and penis enlargement surgery in Korea, he was surprised to find out how important size is.
"I think the way society looks at it, more women would say they don't care, but I know from doing man-on-the-street interviews, I expected all women to say size doesn't matter, whether they meant it or not, but there were tons of women who said, it matters. Some said, 'I've broken up with people because of it.' Of course, usually they don't say that because women realize what a shot that is."
According to the film, the penis enlargement industry is a five billion dollar juggernaut -- ten times the budget of the Red Cross.
"Average isn't good enough, and below average isn't good enough," Patrick said. "And too small is relative. How is being like everyone else a bad thing? The sad thing is guys that are normal feel less than that."
One problem people have with reality and how our private parts actually measure up is that often our first encounter with nude bodies is through porn and that's far from realistic.
"When guys and girls start getting into porn, it's usually at a very impressionable age, when you're just starting to get your bearings on the world, and that's one of the first things you're exposed to, secretly, it's unattainable," Patrick explained. "You'll always feel like you're coming up short if that's what you think it's supposed to be like."
While there's no big Boogie Nights reveal moment in Unhung Hero, Patrick thought that best.
"I've seen the reaction people have to my penis, it seems like it would be this great payoff but it would be the most awkward moment ever. It's actually kind of nice because some girls think I have no penis at all. The bar is set so low that usually it's, 'It's not that small.' OK, well, that's not really a compliment but I'm glad you underestimated me so much."
Uncertain what the future holds for Patrick and his smaller size pal, he is hoping this film will spark discussion, not just about dick size but about anything else that we're uncomfortable with ourselves.
"By me talking about the things that I'm insecure about, I kind of have diffused them as things that could potentially hurt me. Yes, that's me and if you don't like it, jog on. I want people to talk about all the things they're insecure about it. Go down the list and if there are things you can fix then fix them. If there are things you can't fix, you don't have the time or energy to put into them. You'll still be insecure about it but don't let it dictate your behavior and your personality and the way you interact with the world."
Unhung Hero is now available on home video.