As the season premiere of The Walking Dead stumbled its way back to a television set near you on October 12th, fans all around the world eagerly anticipated what would happen to Rick and company as they attempted to free themselves from Terminus. To say that things got intense might be the understatement of the century. I may never look at the meat punching scene in Rocky the same way again.
But as I sat on my couch with a few friends the other night debating what will happen to my post-apocalyptic heroes in future episodes, I slowly found my mind gravitating towards something even more depressing than a world full of flesh-eating zombies. The scary, terrifying vision I had was much worse, consisting of a world filled with Walking Dead relationships. These horrific and terrifying relationships surround us every single day, often forcing us to question the true nature of humanity as we know it. With divorce rates aggressively rising each decade, perhaps its time we attack this problem at its core.
Before this bad relationship plague continues to rapidly spread around the world and eat away at the core of all that is good with humanity, let's take a look at the top signs that you or a friend might be in a Walking Dead relationship. Don't worry though. With the right plan of action, it's not too late to pick up the pieces and restore your humanity back to normalcy.
You are constantly searching for your own "Terminus."
You fight nearly ever day of your life, but you continue to convince yourself that you are just one step away from the salvation of your relationship.
As soon as you land that new job, the two of you will have enough money to be happy again. When you buy your first house, you will finally have enough space to get along. The moment your first kid arrives into this world, along with it will come a re-birth in your relationship.
This is nothing but false hope. Your dreams of a Terminus-like salvation for your relationship is misguided and wishful thinking. You my friend, are in a Walking Dead relationship and will not survive much longer.
You are no longer rationing your food properly.
As Chris Rock once famously said in his stand up routine, the longer you're in a relationship, the more you eat, the less you (insert naughty word here).
The same thing tends to happen with Walking Dead relationships. While this binge eating may be an enjoyable way to distract yourself from an unhealthy relationship, in the post-apocalyptic world, the proper rationing of food is a major key to survival and the ultimate form of currency. Letting yourselves go physically may only take you one step closer to your relationships ultimate demise.
You are always making bad decisions.
Rick Grimes may kick some serious butt sometimes, but boy does he make some awful decisions. And let's not even discuss Andrea having a slow and measured conversation with a man who was transforming into a zombie.
When you start making increasingly bad decisions, such as coming home drunk at 3:00 a.m. when you told your girlfriend you'd be home in time for Dancing With the Stars (perhaps the reason you got drunk?), it's probably time to re-evaluate how you really feel about the relationship.
You are no longer making decisions for the good of the group.
In the post-apocalyptic world, one person is only as strong as the group. Without the companionship, loyalty, work ethic, and dedication of all who are involved, the group crumbles.
When you are in a Walking Dead relationship, your decisions start becoming increasingly selfish. Your significant other, his or her friends, and family members are a complete afterthought. In a relationship that is not Walking Dead, decisions can no longer focus solely on what makes you happy if you want to survive for the long haul. They need to be about the good of the group.
You are losing the humanity in you.
The mere chewing sound of your partner eating an apple irritates you to the point of rage inside. You want to rip the apple from your partner's hand and stomp it into a million pieces. You want to scream. You want to commit ungodly acts in your own mind that are not rational or sane. Then you calm down moments later and realize, he's just chewing an apple. Breath. He's just chewing an apple. Breathe.
The truth is, he is just chewing an apple. But you have been in this Walking Dead relationship way too long and every little thing is making you lose your mind. You have lost the humanity that is in you, and are slowly becoming someone you don't recognize in the mirror. Its time to escape before it's too late.
You are no longer truly alive inside.
You may physically be alive. But mentally, you are a shell of your former self. Your weekends now consist of 9:00 a.m. trips to Home Depot on a Saturday morning. You no longer spend any time with your best friends. You find yourself staring at single people in envy. Watching Downton Abbey is the highlight of your Friday night. And you hate Downton Abbey. The truth is, you have never felt less alive. You my friend are in a Walking Dead relationship.
You don't know how to choose your battles.
If Rick Grimes and company decided to fight every single battle that came their way, they would have been eaten a long, long time ago. Sometimes you just have to ignore those freakishly ugly zombies coming your way, or more importantly, run as fast as you can!
The same goes with a relationship. You need to know when to fight, when to stay quiet, and when to get the hell out of dodge as fast as possible to avoid a misguided heroes attempt at surviving a battle that can't be won. Those who fail to choose their battles carefully are destined to become a Walking Dead relationship.
You no longer have an end game.
There has to be an end game to your plan. Does it involve marriage? Kids? Re-locating to a new landmark one day?
We all know what happens in the post-apocalyptic zombie world to those who attempt to settle in one location and worry about the future later on. Let's just say Hershel's kitchen probably doesn't have the same homely feel to it these days. Whatever type of relationship you are in, you need to think of the big picture, your future goals, and where you plan on taking the relationship in the future.
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